First of all, WOW! I should really look at the calendar. We would have been standing out at the bus stop at 8:45 completely bewildered.

Second, didn’t we all agree that Christopher Columbus was an evil imperialist interloper?

No wonder kids are so confused.

Why are we still celebrating him? If we really need a day off of school in October we could take Halloween off or celebrate Bob Geldof’s birthday. He was born on October 5 and Geldof has done a lot of good. Other October birthdays I would throw out there as options? Sting (Oct. 2), Mahatma Ghandi (Oct. 2), Rutherford B. Hayes (Oct. 4), John Lennon (Oct. 9), Guiseppe Verdi (Oct. 10), Jerry Rice (Oct. 13), Friedrich Nietzsche (Oct 15), Zac Efron and/or Mike Ditka (Oct. 18), Pele (Oct. 23), F. Murray Abraham (Oct. 24), Pablo Picasso (Oct. 25).

Probably the Zac Efron and Mike Ditka day makes the most sense. Gabe says we could call it Ditkfron Day.

Problem solved.

This was definitely one of those times.

I remember what the doormouse said, I just have no idea what to do with that information.

Love,

Sarah

That was about 18 months before I met Gabe.

Creepy, right?

Then again, she also told me that I would live in the Pacific Northwest and work in textiles, so one out of three ain’t bad.

Okay, one out of three is pretty crappy, but still G was a good call. There aren’t that many boy names that start with a G: George, Geoff, Gabriel, Grant, Gordon. I’m sure there are many more but it isn’t like she said I would marry someone whose name began with an J or an M.

I suppose I could still end up in Seattle or Portland. I’m only 37. I have a lot of time left to move around.

But the textile thing, I’m just not seeing it.

That isn’t that big of a deal except that we aren’t very religious people.

My children believe in God and they like to tell me that. A lot.

Sometimes I think they like to rub it in because I am an Atheist, and while I support their beliefs I’m not really sure where they came from. None of their grandparents or parents currently practice any religion and if any of them have any strong beliefs either way they aren’t really talking about it.

My children believe in God and they believe that he is an invisible giant with no feet.

And I say If he is invisible how do you know he is a giant? And how do you know he isn’t a she? I want to be supportive. I want them to know that I am a well-wisher for whatever belief system they choose to ascribe to. I have chosen my own, but that doesn’t mean I think that they have to believe what I believe. I want them to be able to think for themselves. I want them to be able to choose for themselves.

My children believe in an invisible, giant God with no feet.

Their deity inexplicably has no feet.

And they are (well, at least the boy is) scared of the puppet devil.

And I’m not sure why.

I have no idea how to deal with that. How to I explain the the puppet devil isn’t real when they know I don’t believe in God either. I mean sure, I say, Well, he is a puppet. He is felt with some guys hand up in there. And they say Why can’t you see the guy? and I say Because he is squatting down where the camera can’t see him and that just isn’t good enough for them.

For right now my kids believe in an invisible giant God with no feet and the puppet devil.

And I’m not sure to what to do with that information besides tell you about it.

It was such a realistic dream that I can tell you exactly how many cigarettes I smoked.

Three.

I woke up feeling terrible about myself.

When will this stop?

My Mom quit smoking in 1980. It has been almost 30 years and I remain under strict instructions that whenever the doctors tell her that she is going to die (she is fine now, she has been telling us this for years) I am to bring a carton of Newports to the hospital where she will smoke them one by one.

Yes, I know you can’t smoke in hospitals anymore. I am assuming we will be able to wheel her out to the smoking section or something.

My question for you is does this ever end? How long do I have to go without a cigarette before I stop having dreams about smoking?

Really, they’re back.

And this time they like Beck.

Let me explain.

I had an incident about two years ago when my tv would just turn off all by itself.  I blamed paranormal activity (not the movie, but the phenomenon). That all stopped when we got a new tv.

Coincidence? Probably not, but you never know.

Yesterday my computer started playing music when nobody was in the living room.

Honestly, I didn’t think a thing of it. You see, my husband downloaded this ap for his iPhone that makes his cell phone act as a remote for our iTunes. Usually he uses this function either to put on some music while we are having a nice family dinner or to torture me by putting on really shitty music from another room.*

Then I heard Gabe tell the kids “I think Mommy is playing a joke on us with her iPhone”.

But it wasn’t me. I was in the kitchen doing dishes.

It was strange, but I let it go.

Then today I came home from the grocery store to an empty house.

The empty house was listening to Beck.

I know for sure I didn’t leave any music playing when I left the house. In fact, I checked every light, both computers and the coffee pot before I left the house.

What do I make of this?

I figure there are several options:

1) I have a poltergeist.

2) My cats love Beck and figured out how to use iTunes. Apple software is very intuitive.

3) I have a stowaway – possibly hiding in a pile of laundry.

4) There is a disturbance in the force.

5) A glitch in the Matrix?**

6) I accidentally mashed a whole bunch of buttons and set my computer to open iTunes and play something of its choosing at random intervals.

I don’t know. Pick whatever sounds reasonable to you. For now I’m going with the poltergeist.

* Most often “Jeanny” by Falco which is one of the worst songs ever written in my humble opinion.
**  Yes, I know 4 and 5 are basically the same joke but I couldn’t decide.

Gabe says that once you have read the first rule the second rule should be a given.

Good God, what happened in that pool to require this sign?

Never mind, don’t tell me. I didn’t see it until after I was done swimming.

Babies R Us makes my uterus ache.

It isn’t just Babies R Us either, lest you think they are paying me to say this. The same is true for Carters, or the Target Baby section or any store that has many tiny dresses with bows or jammies with cartoon alligators on them concentrated in one area. Really, even very small shirts with skulls on them make me squeal on the inside. So, no Babies R Us didn’t pay me anything, but even if they had they would probably be on the winning end of things with the amount of cash I dropped in there today.

We have two couples that we are very close to that are both having their first baby. The father of one was the best man in our wedding and the mother of the other one was a bridesmaid. Needless to say I spent far too long and way too much money on these babies. I loooooooove babies that I can hug and kiss and sing to and cuddle and buy things for and then send then hand them to their parents when they poop and I can drive home and sleep through the night.*

The thing is that as much as I don’t want more children stuff like this

makes my body question my decision.

Not my head, mind you, but my body. I actually have a visceral reaction to things like this.

Sure I played it cool, walking slowly down the aisles with my registries in hand, but on the inside I was going OHMYGOD! OHMYHGOD! SQUEEEEE! IT IS THE CUTESTFUCKINGTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!  OHMYGOD! I don’t think I was making any actual noise but it is certainly possible.

I am also pretty sure that I ovulated in the aisle that had the sleep sacks.

I guess my point is that when my body was craving a baby when I was 28 and childless it was no surprise. I knew I wanted kids. it made sense. But why would my body do this to me now? I have kids. I’m done. We paid cold hard cash and spent time at a surgical center to make sure we didn’t have any more babies and it is decision I have never regretted, even for a minute. Biology is a crazy thing. For 29 days a month I am barely aware that I have a uterus, but when I walk into a baby store it does the same thing that my stomach does when I smell bacon.**

The good news is that when I walked down the aisle with the diaper genies and the rectal thermometers I got over it.

* Assuming one of my own children doesn’t: pee the bed, have a nightmare, need water, want to sleep in my bed, fall out of bed, claims they aren’t tired, is afraid of E.T., etc.

** Except I want the bacon.

On purpose.

About 50% of the time they will also put their shirts on backwards.

Is this some sort of preschool trend I know nothing about?

Is Kris Kross making a comeback?