Archive for the 'Who are the People in Your Neighborhood?' Category
The funniest joke I heard all day as told by my four year old neighbor, Todd:
(Laurie and Suebob should stop reading now)
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Diarrhea.
I turned my head as his mother scolded him for that kind of talk at the table because I was laughing and I didn’t want to encourage his behavior. His second joke was “Why did the diarrhea cross the road?”* Then he said – and he said it really loud and we were in a restaurant – “WHAT? YOU DON’T LIKE DIARRHEA?”
I had to hide behind my child so that Todd couldn’t see that I was laughing so hard I was shaking.
I know it is inappropriate lunch conversation. I know that I am a parent and a grown up and it takes a village and I should be throwing him stern glances as his own mother tries to raise him right, but dammit, diarrhea is funny.
Especially when it crosses the road.
(more…)
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
3:12 pm |
Why I am going to art school.
Why I am offended by the iPhone commercial.
A picture I took on a walk in my classy neighborhood. ————>
Why the Cincinnati Bengals pissed me off.
For $11.5 million, I will sell you two of my toes.
Now I am off to prepare for a birthday party for two six year olds. If you are a person of faith, pray for me. If you are not, please send beer.
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Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
4:18 pm |
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my front yard in a gigantic cardboard box.
Backstory: yesterday morning we bought a shed. It is the kind that you put together, kind of like Legos for grownups except it requires hammers to assemble and is more utilitarian. It came in two huge boxes. Really big boxes. One of them could have been used for a double bed. The kids in the neighborhood – who had perhaps never possessed or seen such large containers – all thought I was awesome.
Anyway, we had hauled all of the pieces into the back yard so that my husband could get started on the shed building and I was in charge of breaking down the boxes so that they could be recycled.
So there I was sitting in my front yard in this gigantic cardboard box, hacking away at it with my Exacto knife, when a lady in a Jaguar drove by very slowly. She smiled and waved so I smiled and waved back.
I didn’t know her. She was probably in the age group that is older than my parents but younger than my grandparents would be if they were still alive.
She drove to the end of my street, turned her car around and drove toward my house again. This time she stopped and rolled down her window.
“Do you want me to pull you?”
She smiled at me.
Even as a joke the offer to tie my big box up to her Jaguar for a ride around the neighborhood was pretty awesome.
At least I think it was a joke.
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illustration from “Not a Box” by Antoinette Portis
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
1:45 pm |
“I have to tell you” she said.
“I googled you and I found your blog.”
If you want to know what stops my heart it is a mom in Ian’s class telling me that she read my blog.
I don’t keep it a secret. I am not anonymous. I am mostly pretty proud of my work here, but this was this morning and I happen to know I wrote a post this week about testicles and I only know this lady from kindergarten class parties. I have no idea what is coming next.
Fortunately it was ” I read your post about your underwear falling down at Tae Kwon Do. I was reading it at work and I was laughing so hard I was crying. I can completely relate.”
I got lucky. This particular mom is very cool and has a sense of humor.
Now two parents from Ian’s kindergarten class have approached me about my underpants issues. I am thrilled that they are reading me and like my work, but I have two concerns.
1) If you google my first and last name and, I don’t know, zip code, is the first thing that comes up The Saga of the Traveling Underpants?
and
2) Am I going to become known as the lady who had underwear problems at Tae Kwon Do?
I guess these are the risks that you run when you tell all of your most embarrassing stories to the internet.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
12:16 pm |
With three minutes to go in the third period of the Olympic gold medal men’s hockey game between Canada and the U.S.A. yesterday my doorbell rang.
The game was 2 – 1 Canada at the time and it was so exciting that my husband and I were actually both standing in front of the television.
When the door bell rang we just looked at each other and said pretty much in unison “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
Who is soliciting door to door during the U.S.A./Canada hockey game?
I almost didn’t answer it, but we have a DVR so we paused the game and I went downstairs.
Through our sidelights I saw that it was Leanna, my seven-year-old neighbor. I stopped being angry right away because: 1) I like her. She’s pretty cute and what does a seven-year-old know about Olympic hockey?, 2) She was wearing a sombrero. It is really hard to be mad at somebody wearing a sombrero. and 3) She was holding a bag that was probably for me.
I opened the door and the bag WAS for me.
The bag contained four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. Two boxes of Somoas and two boxes of Thin Mints.
I don’t know how closely you are following my life, but I am currently involved in two weight loss competitions, really three if you count the side bet that I made with my dad yesterday.
It was as if he was in cahoots with Leanna.
But my father scheming against me with neighborhood children isn’t my point. My point is that every year, just as I am figuring out how to diet and exercise properly a cute little girl comes to my door with cookies, delicious Girl Scout Cookies, and tries to sabotage my diet.
I’d like to propose that the girl scouts move their cookie deliveries to the fall when I tend to be on a Halloween to New Years Eve food bender anyway.
I’d also like to propose that anyone who rings my doorbell during an important sporting event wear a sombrero to lessen my wrath.
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Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
10:22 am |
