White Says I Have to Call this One “I Like Gold Butts and I Cannot Lie”
I was screwing around on Facebook on Friday afternoon when I saw a new status pop up. It's not how I imagined
Kicking the Can
I finally kicked. I am proud to say that I have gone eight days without eating a Pringle. I have no idea
My first 5K (before)
Remember in school when you were forced to run a mile in P.E.? That was always the worst day of the year for
You Heard the Man
It was one of those days where both kids were home with strep throat but the antibiotics had already begun to
January 28, 2013 By Goon Squad Sarah
1) When you are comforting your child who is sick with the flu you are right. You are going to get it too.
2) If you are cutting up jalapeños and taking the seeds out make sure you generously wash your hands and leave ample time before you take out your contacts. Or tampon.
3) Yeah, it feels like when you are snorting the ocean and it looks disgusting, but if you have allergies, neti pots are the greatest.
January 23, 2013 By Goon Squad Sarah
I am the Lady MacBeth of lice.
Seriously, I always think I have lice and I never do.
In December my head was itching like crazy and I was convinced I was infested, but no. It was (wait for it) glitter.
I did not have lice. I had glitter.
GLITTER. It was far more glamorous than I could have imagined. Also itchier. One should be more careful when one is taking down sparkly decorations.
One time – ONE TIME – months ago one of children actually had lice. Ever since then I have had delusions of parasites.
About once every other week I comb through my hair with the little stabby comb and nothing is ever in there. I’m sure the damage I am doing to my scalp is what is causing the itching. Now that I am thinking it out it is probably just healing from the last time I scraped the crap out of my poor head.
January 22, 2013 By Goon Squad Sarah
On Saturday, Claudia and I went to Walgreens to pick up one item. We needed some shampoo.
Of course, since it was just the two of us, we also agreed to browse the nail polish selection.
We completely forgot to check out the nail polish but we remembered that we also needed conditioner and toothpaste. I also found a cool hair product I had been meaning to buy.
Then we saw some big barrettes that I needed to replace because they have somehow all mysteriously disappeared since Claudia started playing basketball and a few other hair accessories that caught our fancy.
When we got to check out I saw travel Tums and travel Advil and I had to buy those and then we saw chargers for iPhones that came in cool colors and I had been promising Claudia I would get her one of those.
Plus when don’t you need paper towels?
Basically, by the time I got out of there, I had spent $79.21 even though I only went in for one thing.
Yes, I am a sucker for the impulse buys, but none of this was junk AND I earned Balance Rewards, so really I was practically making money.
Look, I will justify things in my way and you can justify them in your way.
January 10, 2013 By Goon Squad Sarah
January 2, 2013 By Goon Squad Sarah
I am not going to lie, I am a little bit weird about drug stores.
No joke. I like walking around in drug stores. I like looking at the nail polish colors. I like browsing the shampoo aisle. I like the bizarre stuff that always shows up in the holiday aisle. I like drug stores. When Walgreens asked if I wanted to do a little project with their Balance Reward program I agreed quickly. I get rewards for buying stuff at Walgreens? I am so in.
Really, it is cool and easy you can sign up here and pretty much start earning points right away. You can earn them in the store or online, you can even transfer most prescriptions online and they give you extra points for being lazy. MY FAVORITE. Plus, Walgreens gives you special deals just for signing up, and the entire program is totally free.
I just signed up, so I don’t have any points yet, but I do need some nail polish remover and something for this head cold so I will be going to Walgreens later today. In a week or two I will let you know what I am doing with all of my points.
I am an over-sharer that way.
December 21, 2012 By Goon Squad Sarah
What do you get when you mix my favorite Christmas Carol, $ .89, a wizard and a metal guitar?
Oh, hells yes.
Actually, I recommend you spend the $1.78 and get the “Silent Night” too. I did. My decision was a sound one. My only regret is that I could only buy two Christopher Lee heavy metal Christmas songs.
December 19, 2012 By Goon Squad Sarah
I turned forty yesterday.
It is weird. I don’t feel forty years old. I’m not even sure I feel thirty. Most of the time I feel 20, except for the fact that I suspect I am only weeks away from needing bifocals. I still think it is funny when I am allowed to be in charge of children. I pretend I am responsible and tell them not to stand on the couch and appropriate grown up speak, but honestly, I am just a kid with a car and a credit card.
I thought turning forty would bum me out more, but I am fine. I am happy. My life is good.
And I’m in my 40s.
December 10, 2012 By Goon Squad Sarah
I woke up with Walking in a Winter Wonderland stuck in my head.
Woke up with Walking in a Winter Wonderland. Say THAT three times fast.
Anyway, I woke up to this.
In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he’s a circus clown.
She’ll say “Are you married?”
We’ll say “No, ma’am.”
But you can do the job when you’re in town.
What the hell?
Is Winter Wonderland about whoring? That can’t be right. There is no way this could be considered a holiday classic. What are we teaching our children?