August 20, 2008

Hey, remember a long time ago when I started the third annual traffic experiment?

Then I promptly forgot about it.

Oops.

So let’s pretend that didn’t happen and I just said - the winner will be announced on September 15th.

Luckily for you since I am a moron there is still time to enter and win the gift certificate to Build-A-Bear. (You know, assuming I can still find it.)

Here are the entries thus far:

Kathi D is going with Busty Russian Lola Chicken butts.

Marilyn picked crenshaw melon tomboy boob suck. (Whatever that means)

RubiaLala chose katie baby bump grind broadway.

Elizabeth and her husband talked it over and decided on either World of Warcraft Boob Hack (or nude hack) or Man gives birth to his own twin.

Mamikaze went with free polygamist election summer porn.

Ree picked something that could be my about page ( if I was a freak) Sports freak with a vagina birthing twins.

Jen says these two things bring a lot of traffic to her site: zicam while nursing glorious boobs.

De in D.C. went with a safe one Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt twins.

Emily came up with subway homeschoolers rainbow jello shots discriminates.

Wendy chose to use hot girls dangerous thong

Nick(memBeth) says Anthony Bourdaine’s Massive Boner Pictures.

JessicaAPISS went with naked twin drunk girls streak baseball game.

The Other Bear went simple: toilet photos.

TIF RN came up with vagtastic harry potter twins blog.

Tito says Argument over beer.

SueBob says Jessica alba naked tits.

Creative-Type Dad chose to go with potty training nude andy gibb coloring pages.

JonB chose the current even route: Obama Porn, McCain Sex act with Iraq’s prime minister and Hillary’s Iran penetration for lower gas prices caused Tim Russert and George Carlin heart failure.

Christina says she gets a lot of hits for uterus pictures.

Jodifur picked make money working from home naked celebrity photos twins.

Ali (the winner from last year) came up with another one that confuses me: Ash and Dawn from Pokemon naked.

Ilina from Dirt and Noise came up with naked political junkie smacks Tom Cruise.

Jodifur says make money working from home naked celebrity photos twins.

Liz says that she gets at least a few hits every day for “mom like it big.”

Whit has chosen to go with free nude teen sex clinton.

M.A. Smith is going with deconstructing Cinderella. I wonder if she means the princess or the band?

Musing (who has good taste in men but obviously didn’t see the same Inside the Actors Studio that I did) says Johnny Depp for president.

Leticia from Tech Savvy Mama came up with a nice clean one - Vista sucks.

Wicked Step Mom says Underage Crossdressing Orangutang Politician.

Devra has chosen James Dobson Diapered Husband Myspace Page.

Mama Snyder might be on to something with Olsen twins chubby naked boobs.

I’m not sure which part of this she meant, so I’m just giving you Momo Fali’s entire comment: Wait. So, I’m not supposed to cradle and sing to my Mom’s granny-panties? I so cherish them. Dang.

Kara has a good chance of taking the prize with this one: Miley Cyrus Jonas Brothers smoking naked sex tape.

Catnip gets a lot of hits for can you smoke catnip?

MP has distrubing information. She gets a lot of traffic for Pictures of Penis Peeing and Little boy penis. (Please Google, don’t let this one win. No offense to mp. I just don’t think I could go on living. Also - if you got here searching for that, unless your son has a medical condition, shame on you.)

Izzy is getting hits for Exploded babysitter.

Supertiff suggested sisters peeing together.

Dana covers a multitude of topics with : rachel ray medical butt naked sushi jolie twins

House Frau gets hits for dog slut.

Shamelessly Sassy has just one wish: I sure hope I can hang thongs on my christmas tree this year.

New***

From Karen Sugarpants - Miley Cyrus Big Teeth Toilet Brush Cankles

From Stimey - I like suppositories. (See, I didn’t even write Stimey likes suppositories like I wanted to.)

Joe is hedging his bets with these five:

erin moran molested by henry winkler

huge suckeling boobs

pinky tuscadero hand gesture

rat up in yo weave

what color was becky thatcher’s hair

Snarky Amber went with these three: the woman needed to tinkle, bridal party wet peeing panties split crotch, and wearing panties at your desk. (I worry about Snarky Amber)

Remember - you can still enter your own phrase. Just pick something that you think is search-worthy.

This contest will be open until August.

August 18, 2008

Alternate Title - And Then My Children Came Down With an Overdeveloped Sense of Manners

I don’t get these kids at all.

We spent the last couple days of our vacation in that mode where Claudia was refusing to smile at any family members. This included scowling at her Great-Grandmother. It was fairly embarrassing.

At one point when I asked her to get dressed she threatened to “smash everything”. She also told me she would never hug me again, nor would she kiss me or smile at me or ask me to do anything for her.

(I told her that I was fine with that last one.)

In addition, Ian caught whatever Claudia had at the beginning of the week and he demanded butt medicine. Fortunately, I had some left over.

At some point it occurred to me that they were in such bad moods because they are only four and between me being gone for two weeks for BlogHer and then them going to the beach when we went to the wedding in Albuquerque and then this trip to Arkansas they were just completely out of their element. Kids need some sort of predictability and a schedule and we just haven’t been giving them that this summer.

During one of Claudia’s temper tantrums on Sunday the thing that finally calmed her down was me telling her that we would be home tomorrow and everything would go back to normal.

We got home this afternoon and they are different people. The girl has been completely charming. She has been dressing up in all of her princess gear and giving us fashion shows, She offered to let her brother choose the television show that they got to watch.

She thanked me for letting her brush her teeth.

But the crazy part came when we checked the mail. They got a thank you card in the mail from Mia’s birthday party.

They were beside themselves with joy.

I should explain that my children love all mail, but in this case (and I think it was because they were so happy to be home) they completely freaked out and demanded that we immediately send Mia a “You’re Welcome” note.

A you’re welcome note? From the children who have been known to sit at the table for an extra 45 minutes because they refused to utter the phrase “May I please be excused”?

I must be losing my mind.

Seriously, they ran and got paper and crayons and they took turns writing their names on the paper for Mia and then they dictated this letter:

Dear MIa,

You are welcome.

Love,

Ian and Claudia and Mom

I was going to explain that Mia calls me Sarah and not Mom, but I didn’t want to spoil the mood.

I think I am just going to chalk this up to my wonderful parenting (*snort*) but if these overzealous manners continue I might consult a doctor just to make sure that these children are actually The Goon Squad and not pod people.

August 16, 2008

I have my first fantasy football draft tonight. I am unreasonably excited.

I think I have 5 live drafts (four online and one in person) and 2 auto-drafts this year.

Does that sound excessive?

___

My husband says that Fantasy Football is boring and it is like doing accounting for fun. Agree or Disagee?

August 13, 2008

We are on a 16 hour road trip and Claudia has a fever.

She refuses to take medicine.

Let me explain that Claudia always refuses to take medicine unlike her brother (and mother, to be honest) who will take medicine just because someone else is sick and it tastes good and/or makes you feel better. In fact yesterday when she was first ill we had this awesome fight where she refused to take some Tylenol to bring down the fever and I (being the mature lady that I am) threatened to take her to the hospital instead where they would surely give her an IV and when that didn’t work I told her if she let the fever get to high her brain could boil.

Even though she didn’t believe any of my threats her brother has been going around for about 20 hours now telling people that his sister had brain damage which is kind of a hilarious side effect.

Back to today - we are somewhere in the middle of Tennessee. I am in the car with both children and my Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law and Claudia has a fever. She is very rosy cheeked and hot. She is sad and has a headache. We decide to stop at the first place we see (in this case a Wal-Mart. Apparently Tennessee is infested with Wal-Marts. Seriously they are omnipresent here.) and we stop to buy something that will help get rid of the headache and fever.

I seriously take her into this Super Wal-Mart and name every single flavor of every single children’s fever medication known to man. She hates them all. We finally decide on some dye-free Tylenol business that she used to take when she was a baby. It seemed that this was the closest to her favorite medicine - stool softener - which is the only medicine that Claudia will take orally.

No. The irony is not lost on me.

We get to the parking lot and Claudia is already crying even though her Grandmother is carrying her. After all three adults try unsuccessfully to get her to drink a teaspoon of medicine that tastes like candy I resort to more threats.

“If you don’t drink that by the time I count to three I am going to walk right back in that store and buy the kind of medicine that goes in your butt.”

And inexplicably she agree to this.

Twenty minutes later, after consulting with pharmacists and being led on wild goose chases by pharmacy techs I return empty handed. While it is very clear what I need it turns out that this particular Wal-Mart doesn’t carry it.

I go back to the car empty handed.* To which Claudia replies, under her breath “How unfortunate.”

MY FOUR YEAR OLD HAS A VERY STRONG GRASP OF SARCASM. She is also quite strong in vocabulary.

As I told Devra years ago (before my own children could talk this well) smartassery begets smartassery.

I have reaped what I have sown. I accidentally taught my four year old daughter to be a sarcastic bitch.

I also accidentally raised someone who would rather have something shoved up her ass than do something much more pleasant against her will.

We are so screwed when she becomes a teenager.

* Where my children were having this argument “She said she choosed the pharmacy.” “No! I said I choosed the suppository!”

August 12, 2008

I have a one day turnaround.

Yesterday I got home from Albuquerque and tomorrow I leave for Hot Springs. Today consists of doing laundry and trying to procure a broadband card so that I can do my job while on the road. I also had library books to return (the library is becoming like the video store for me. With all of my late fees it will soon become cheaper to just start buying books again.) and grocery shopping.  Then I have to repack for myself and the kids before we leave in the morning.

It took me a while to wrangle up the Goon Squad and convince them that we had to go get a broadband card. I can’t imagine why they weren’t excited about it. Maybe if I had mentioned it would enable me to show them YouTube videos of transformers and princesses in the car they would have been a little bit more motivated.

So just as I was thinking this was going to be a pretty crappy day the greatest thing happened.

The DHL guy showed up at my door. (DHL, that is the yellow one right? You know, not Fed Ex, UPS or the Post Office, but the other one.) He had a big heavy box for me.

This particular box sloshed and it required someone over 21 to sign for it.

It was beer! For me!

I had completely forgotten but back in April I was in a wedding. Two of my favorite people married each other and for my bridesmaid gift they gave me years membership to The Beer of the Month Club.

Now you see why they are two of my favorite people.

I know I said beer of the month, but actually I get a mixed 12 pack every other month, or maybe it is every three months, but today was my lucky day!

Ever since that nice man brought beer to my door I have been in a good mood. I haven’t even had any yet but just knowing it is chilling in my beer fridge makes me happy.

August 11, 2008

Before we had children my husband and I used to travel quite a bit. We didn’t do much international travel but we were probably out of town for at least one weekend a month. Sometimes more.

I remember one year when we had six separate weddings to attend, all in different cities. That was a hell of a year.

Then the kids were born and most of our friends that were in committed relationships were already married. I don’t think I need to take a lot of time to explain how difficult it is to fly with two infants. Or two toddlers. It is much easier and cheaper just to miss the fun stuff unless you can drive.

Now the kids are too old to fly for free and airline customer service is at an all time pinnacle of suckitude.

Did I mention I am in an airport right now? I just heard an announcement at the Continental gate about how they had a full flight and there were families with young children that weren’t seated together so if you were in a row with one of them please offer to switch or “you will end up babysitting”.

What the hell? I understand her point, but don’t you guys remember when the AIRLINE used to seat families together just in general?  I was telling somebody the other day that six hours of driving with the kids stress equals one trip through airport security with The Goon Squad. I’m not kidding either. And that doesn’t even include the bullshit trying to get seats together. If there is anywhere I have to go with the children that involves a drive that is 13 hours or less my ass is driving. It is much cheaper and better for the environment.

But that isn’t why I do it. I do it because (with a few unusual exceptions) I have grown to hate the entire airline industry. Especially Spirit Airlines. I hate them the most.

Anyway, this summer I have found myself in airports quite a bit. Fortunately without my children. This weekend we went to a wedding where the kids weren’t invited (and it was in New Mexico - and that is pretty far away from D.C.) so we flew.

Which leads me to the part of my story where I tell you that I am currently sitting in the Albuquerque Airport.

And I have been here for a while.

And I will be here for a while.

Because United Airlines doesn’t have a crew. My ass got up at 5:00 am so that we could return the rental car and get through security in time for a 7:45 flight that is now delayed until 9:45. Because the crew isn’t legal.

I can only assume this means that they got in late (it may be against United Airlines Company policy to take off on time) and not that they just crossed over from regular Mexico and so they haven’t slept long enough to charge me $4 for a can of coke.

Wow. Am I disgruntled today or what?

Either way, the whole thing pisses me off. Now we don’t get to spend this afternoon with the kids. By the time we get home it will be dinner time. I could have slept another two hours bring my total up to a whopping six and a half hours of sleep and this airport is boring.

I understand that the airline industry is in trouble. I understand that they can’t afford to have a back up crew ready to go anymore, but it isn’t as if my ticket was $59 each way, this is no discount airline. Our tickets cost over $400 each. And we had to pay an extra $44 per seat to get extra leg room. My husband is 6′ 4″ he should get that for free on a four hour flight. What I don’t understand is how they expect to get out of financial trouble by nickel and diming us to death and offering shittier service to boot. On our flight here they couldn’t even seat us together and I’ve had these tickets for four months.

Did I mention that for my flight back from BlogHer I was charged to check one single bag? $25 for something I could have fit in carry on. Wouldn’t you think they would want to encourage us to check luggage instead of that crazy fight and backup that occurs when 200 business travelers all try to carry on crap that is too big to fit in the overhead compartments?

Screw you United.

Screw you all airlines.

Next time I’m driving. I’ll probably get there faster anyway.

August 9, 2008

I went to a bachelorette party the other night. It was sort of a last minute thing. My husband is in the wedding party and I’ve known the groom for years. The bride and I are friends but we haven’t spent a ton of time together and so I didn’t know anyone at the bachlorette party except for her.

I ended up having a great time. We went to a casino (did you know that if a casino is on a reservation you can only drink at the bar? Not at the machines or tables. That totally messes with your gambling karma when you have to stop and go elsewhere to drink. Also, playing blackjack and drinking coffee just feels wrong.) near Albuquerque for the evening.

Since I didn’t really know anyone the conversation came up of how we all knew the bride. Somebody knew her from high school, the maid of honor has been friends with her since the 4th grade and everybody else knew her from following Tori Amos on tour.

*head explodes*

That’s right. You heard me. They follow Tori Amos on tour. Like how Deadheads follow the Grateful Dead. Except 1) It is Tori Amos, 2) They aren’t dirty hippies, 3) A lot of times they fly from city to city instead of hitchhiking or going in a VW bus 4) They have jobs and 5) Sometimes they only go to one or two shows a year.

Okay, that wasn’t fair to Toriphiles or to Deadheads. I know Deadheads that are clean and have jobs. According to these fans some of the Tori Amos followers don’t have jobs and go to every show on tour.

So, besides not even being aware that this kind of thing existed I was pretty amazed that they had made such lasting friendships standing in line to meet Tori Amos.

I like Tori’s music but it would have never occurred to me to follow her from city to city.

Okay so here is what else I learned about Tori Amos at this bachelorette party:

1) She calls them “Ears With Feet”

2) She plays a different set every single night.

3) Tori Amos fans are not to be trifled with.

And you should have seen those ladies faces when I told them that I was a professional blogger. I think we were equally mortified at the other’s hobbies.

But you know what? They were totally cool and we had a great time. And there is something to be said for friends you make in an unusual way that become a big part of your life.

Honestly, did the rest of you know about this and you just weren’t telling me? Or is it more like Rosicrucians?

Okay EWF people. Don’t send me hate mail. I am not judging you, I am just shocked that this exists. I am no cooler than you are. I am completely aware that I write for like 10 blogs and go to blogging conferences. The irony is not lost on me.

August 7, 2008

I wrote a post yesterday about how my son wants to play for the Washington Redskins. As a long time Buccaneer fan this comment spoke to me:

August 6th, 2008 at 10:01 pm, suzhasbighair Says:

i’ve been a buc fan since they wore those horrendous orange colors!

we’ll always make room for you down here sarah- and for your goon squad!

So I immediately e-mailed her back. I explained that being from Tampa myself, I too suffered through the creamsickle days.

Then she e-mailed me back and said she grew up in Tampa too and she told me where she went to high school.

My high school.

She graduated before me and since we didn’t actually overlap any years we started naming people that the other one might know.

I said Did you know Michelle [name deleted to protect the innocent]? She was my best friend’s sister.

Suz replied: michelle and i were best friends at  [jr. high] and then soph at chs…  so you were friends will jill???? CRAZY!

Crazy indeed. If she hung out with Michelle I have probably met her before. I spent a good deal of the late 80’s and early ’90’s over at Jill’s house. What are the odds? Now that makes TWO people I have met randomly through blogging/commenting that went to my high school. If you add that to running into my sorority sister at BlogHer last month it really seems like the world is shrinking.

Go say hi! Suz doesn’t like to use capital letters, but we won’t hold that against her. Especially since there is a strong possibility that she bought me beer before I was old enough to buy it for myself .

August 6, 2008

Ian said “When I grow up I am going to play for the Redskins on tv. I am going to be a throwing back.”

My children have become Washington Redskins fans behind my back. When I turned on the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday night both kids started yelling “Go Redskins!” with no prompting.

I want to lay down the law and explain to them that in THIS house we root for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but I don’t want to quash their individualism.

I understand that the Redskins are now our home team. and I respect that. I want them to be able to think for themselves and make their own decisions.

And I suppose either way they will learn the agony of rooting for a losing team.