Several Unreasonable Things
I was watching this old documentary about The White Stripes and Jack and Meg were still pretending to be siblings
Gifts
There has been a lot of talk leading up to this Mother's Day about how we should celebrate it on the internet.
Why Youth Sports Are Vital
Somedays I cannot believe how busy we are around here. Between scouts, choir, soccer, birthday parties, piano
Two Seven Year Olds Walk Into an Old Navy
On Wednesday, right after school, I took The Goon Squad shopping for fall.
Why do I wait until until midway through September to go back to school shopping you ask? Well, one because August and September are super busy for me, but also because this is when Old Navy has that crazy kids sale.
I was just in time too because it was 45 degrees this morning and some people grew out of their jackets from last year.
I also deftly avoided being tricked in to buying recorders. You know, recorders. The loudest, least musical instrument of them all. Before I had children I vowed I would never allow them into my home and so far, so good.
That being said I was talked into buying a fleece that was at least two sizes too large for the boy because it had skulls on it. My entire family are suckers for things with skulls on them. I’m not sure what our collective problem is, but it is pervasive. Whatever. My son can wear the fleece as winter dress. We will say he was influenced by Shannon Hoon, or that guy from Greta.
Anyway, I wrote about it over on That’s Right, You Heard Me and you can go read all about it over there, and you totally should. Especially if you want to feel better about not brushing your hair, or not brushing your child’s hair.
You should also do it to make me look good. God knows I need help doing that.
Irrationale
What you are about to read is entirely irrational. I am not even going to try to justify it.
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I don’t know if it is getting older or if it is the mid-Atlantic foliage, but my allergies seem to get worse every year. When I was young I wasn’t allergic to anything. Now I seem to be hypersensitive to outside.
When I went to BlogHer some nice people (I will not mention the company name here because I doubt they would want to be associated with this and it isn’t their fault) gave me a shit ton of free samples of an allergy medicine when they were shutting down their expo booth.
On August 23rd I ran out of my normal allergy medicine and decided to try it.
That wasn’t the crazy part.
This is the crazy part.
I took this new medicine on August 23rd. On August 23rd there was also a 5.8 magnitude earthquake.
Rationally I know these two things are unrelated.
In the first three seconds that it was happening I realized that what I was feeling was an earthquake, but the mind works very quickly and one of my fleeting thoughts that was dismissed before coming to the earthquake realization was that I was having some sort of crazy brain embolism due to this new allergy pill.
Stop rolling your eyes at me. I said I dismissed that option.
Anyway, now I am afraid to take the rest of the free medicine because I am afraid we will have another earthquake.
(You can start rolling your eyes again now.)
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Please tell me your irrational fears so that I feel better about myself.
The Silver Lining
I am looking forward to winter because in the winter there a no mosquitoes to ravage my poor itchy ankles.
I told this to my children this afternoon.
I told them this one, because it is true and two, because I was trying to think of something positive to say.
The kids didn’t have school today because of all of the flooding. When my neighbor wanted to take my kids on a walk to McDonalds I nearly lost my mind. “IT ISN’T SAFE!” I yelled at everyone.
Of course my neighbor didn’t know that one of our local bloggers lost her son yesterday to the storm when he was swept away by the fast rising water in a creek. My kids didn’t know it either, but I ended up telling them when I was trying to explain why I was the meanest mom in the neighborhood.
I was trying to be positive as I was driving them to McDonalds in a fit of guilt for denying them everything and also ignoring them while finishing up a project for work this morning. I told them that I liked winter because there were no mosquitos to bite me.
Claudia said she was looking forward to winter because of snow days and Christmas.
Ian said he was looking forward to hibernating.
I giggled instead of telling him that humans don’t hibernate, but it was been a long summer and hibernation kind of sounds wonderful.
But hibernation plans certainly explain his eating habits lately. And mine.
I need to be an optimist. At least an optimistic realist. If I sit around and worry about all of the bad things that could happen in life I will miss the living part. I’m still not going to let my kids walk around in dangerous conditions, but I suppose I could try to handle it more gracefully should the opportunity rise again.
The rain will go away eventually and so will the mosquitoes. For now, I will enjoy the fall (if it ever starts acting like fall instead of Armageddon) and the football that goes along with it.
* * *
All of my sympathies go out to Anna and her family in their time of loss.
Grass is Probably Symbolic of Something Too
My husband bought me a new lawn mower today and somehow this made me happy. It is shiny and red and I am thinking of buying flame stickers for it.
My neighbor in kindergarten will be so jealous.
* * *
When I was 18 years old and a freshman in college I called one of my very best friends from high school. She wasn’t going to go to college. She was staying back home in Tampa and working. She had just moved in with her boyfriend and she told me this long story about shopping for barstools. I thought it was the most boring conversation I had ever been a party to. I could not fathom that anybody – let alone somebody who had seemed so much like me – could care so deeply about something as mind-numbing as barstools.
I wanted to talk about parties and bands and clubs and videos. I cared about who had a new boyfriend and what she was reading and listening to. I was 18 and the world was my oyster. I was invincible. I had new friends and interesting classes. I cared about new ideas and living away from my parents. I cared about politics and culture. She cared about barstools.
I could not relate to her in any way that mattered to either of us.
* * *
I was probably 36 years old the first time I really mowed a lawn. I like it because it feels like exercise and getting something done at the same time. Plus I like mowing over toys that people leave in my yard. There is something freeing about that kind of simple destruction.
My favorite part about mowing is that I can listen to my iPod on shuffle in private. I don’t have to hear “This song sucks, Mom.” or “Really? Dokken?”
I killed my old lawn mower this morning. I don’t think I did anything particularly bad to it, its time was just up. We bought that lawn mower when we bought our first house in 2001. I never expected to get 10 years out of the second-cheapest lawnmower Sears had to offer, but that is what we got and I feel pretty good about it.
I was very excited today when Gabe brought me the clean new lawn mower. It started the first time I pulled the cord. I used to have to fight with the old one. I always chalked it up to being a lefty and kind of weak, but it turns out that I am awesome and it was the mower that sucked.
When I came in he asked me how it went. I said, “It turns like a dream.”
* * *
Today a song came on my iPod that I hadn’t really listened to since 1994. It was one of those situations where I could feel my old feeling so intensely that I looked around my yard surprised to be who and where I am.
I’m not sure if this is what I expected my life to be like or not. I don’t think I thought I would be mowing my lawn. I certainly never foresaw writing essays about lawn mowers, but my life is good. I am actually comfortable approaching 40. I think I am where I want to be and I am moving quickly in a direction that is exciting. I don’t really care that much about parties anymore, but I am still open to new ideas and experiences and music. And I think that almost 20 years later I am finally interested in barstools. Sort of. Well, maybe not barstools, but I like things that I would have found boring as hell back when I was in college – like SEO, or making a really good meatloaf or this.
I totally want this lawnmower next.
Heads Up
Bear with me for a few quick moments of self-promotion before we return to our regularly scheduled ranting and nonsense.
* * *
For those of you in the Washington D.C. area my choir is performing a on September 11th at 4:00pm at National Presbyterian in remembrance of the September 11th attacks. The concert is called “In Search of Peace.”
Before you get bored and move on, this isn’t a crappy church choir. We have over 100 voices and Gretchen Kuhrmann is one of the best conductors I have ever worked with (and I have worked under some pretty amazing directors). Choralis has commissioned a piece by local composer Gary Davison with original lyrics by local poet Margaret (Peggy) Ingraham. This will be the world premiere of this amazing piece. How many world premieres do you get a chance to attend?
Listen, if I am missing the first Bucs game (and all of the other football games) of the season to sing it, you know it is important.
Tickets are between $40 and $100 with discounts available for students or active duty military.
If you are prone to crying bring some tissues. This is going to be amazing.
* * *
Have you been over to my Babble Voices blog yet? It is pretty awesome over there. Okay, fine. It is just like this, but over there. And instead of laser eyes and an exploding head I have a cleaver in my header.
Please go over and check it out or at least pretend you checked it out and just hit like. No one will know the difference and it will make me look good.
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If you aren’t reading Draft Day Suit you are totally missing out. Truly. You don’t even have to really like sports to enjoy it. Those people are hilarious!
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The same is true for Insert Eyeroll. Just know ahead of time it is satire. (Some commenters didn’t get that memo.)
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And last but not least, I still sell swag, so if you need anything branded (did you see the awesome nail polish and power strips I made for the Clever Girls?) please let me know. I have lots of super cool ideas for you.
Seriously? How cool are these?
* * *
Thank you for your time.
As you were.
With the Lights Out It’s Less Dangerous
Claudia has decided what she wants to be for Halloween.
She is seven years old.
What on earth have I created?
I will take partial credit.
The Goon Squad’s birth announcement featured a picture of the twins wearing Misfit’s onesies.
Then there was this.
Then I praised her when she wanted these
But none of those are sexy.
Maybe if the child in the photograph wasn’t wearing all that eyeliner and lipstick.
Or if she didn’t have a red fishnet midriff.
Then again, knowing my daughter, she probably just wants the boots.
I like giving my kids choices and I am the fool that handed them a catalog and said “pick whatever you want to be for Halloween” but this isn’t what I was expecting.
I’m feeling panicky about my daughter becoming a teenager. About her liking boys. About her *deep breath* dating. I don’t know if I am ready for all of that. I know she is only in second grade, but the first seven years went by so fast I know that I will blink and she will be fourteen and she will mean it. Maybe this is why parents get all weepy about back to school. Maybe it is because it is another sign that your baby is growing up and things are changing so fast.
But probably I should just shut up and be happy that she didn’t want to be the bloody nurse
I Was Standing in the Shower
I am standing in the shower and I can hear the shrieking coming down the hall.
I have been in the shower almost long enough so that my hair is wet enough to put in the shampoo.
I wonder what he could have done to make her so angry in such a short period of time.
The screaming comes in the door.
“What happened?”
“IAN!” she gives her standard answer.
“Ian what?” I give my standard reply.
“He tried to choke me!”
“No I didn’t!”
Awesome. Now all three of us are in my bathroom.
“I HATE MY LIFE!” she yells. “YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME!”
I have been in the shower for three minutes. The seven years right before that I spent with her.
“I have always loved you.” I say.
And they exit.
* * *
I am standing in the shower and I yell “DAMMIT!”
Because I forgot to mow the lawn before I took a shower. Now I will get all smelly and have to bathe again before my fantasy football draft.
Who am I kidding? It is an online draft and the last time I got to take two showers in one day was… I can’t even remember the last time I took two showers in one day. Probably the last time a kid threw up on me.
* * *
I am standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.
“Mom?”
He is back.
“Do you think whipped cream would be good in a shake?” he asks.
“Sure. Wait! What are you doing?”
“I am writing a recipe for a shake.”
He is planning this evening’s milk shake competition versus his father.
“Do we have whipped cream?”
“Yes.”
“Where?” I can’t remember buying whipped cream since we had pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It is August.
“In the fridge.”
“Check the date on it.”
I hear footsteps run down the hall.
I hear footsteps running back.
“It is sour cream.”
“Yeah, that would taste bad in a shake.”
* * *
I am getting out of the shower. It is quiet. Ten minutes have lapsed since I got in the shower.
I love my children.
I cannot wait for school to start on Tuesday.
My At-Bat Song
Do you have your walk-up song picked out?
You know, the song that they would play for you when you come up to bat?
Sports fans are nodding their heads and hitting the comment button. For the rest of you, think of them playing “Wild Thing” for Charlie Sheen in “Major League” when he came out of the bullpen.
Like these:
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
No, I haven’t been approached by a Major League Baseball team (although I am certain that is what you were all thinking) but I have been drinking beer with the guys from my husband’s job and when this subject was broached I knew I needed to really ruminate on it.
I must choose a batting song.
So as I do, I am turning to you to help me make this important life decision.
Here are songs on my shortlist:
Bad Reputation
South Of Heaven
Twist Of Cain
Ace of Spades
Dies Irae
The Usurper
A Fifth of Beethoven (Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
Help me choose my batting song. Am I missing something really obvious? What would your batting song be?
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