May 9, 2008 | I'm an Idiot, PSA

I’ll tell you what really hurts.

Getting cayenne pepper in your eye, that is what causes some pain.

May 8, 2008 | Parenting, Signs of the Apocalypse

I’m trying to get into this weekday cycle where I get up at 5:00 am and use our elliptical machine.

Let me explain.

Besides the obvious - I need to get into shape, and the maybe not so apparent - we spent a lot on the damn elliptical machine and I want to get my moneys worth. You may be asking yourself why the hell am I getting up at 5:00 in the morning when I am a stay at home mom.

Why indeed.

The first reason is easy. I have tried to use the elliptical in the presence of The Goon Squad. The last time I tried that I had to get off the thing three times in the first five minutes. Two of those times were to break up fights. The other time was because Ian needed an emergency glass of water. It just isn’t worth it.

The second reason is that by the time Gabe gets home at night I really just want to sit down. I am done. Wiped out. I just want to sit on the couch and drink a beer.

The third reason involves paranoia. Sure, I could probably work out at six thirty, but if the kids are sleeping and they wake up and they call me and I can’t hear them because I am downstairs on the stupid machine and I have to watch SportsCenter really loud to hear it over the noise of my panting and weeping the elliptical and then they freak out because they think they have been abandoned I would hate myself forever and ever.

*deep breath*

Actually, Claudia probably wouldn’t even care. She would just wake up, go in the kitchen and microwave herself a frozen bagel. Ian wakes up poorly. He need comforting. It is completely genetic. When I was a baby I woke up crying every time I slept. In fact, I still feel like crying every time I wake up, but since I am a grown up I feel like it would be inappropriate.

Plus Gabe would make fun of me.

Anyway, back to the 5:00 thing.

Gabe leaves the house for work at about 5:30 every morning, so in order for me to do a 20 minute session on the elliptical (shut up. 20 minutes is a lot when you are as out of shape as I am) while someone is upstairs with the kids I have to get up at 5:00.

Here is the weird part. As must as I detest waking up early, I feel great.

Seriously. I feel really good. Plus, since I am getting up at five instead of seven I have two extra hours in the morning. As an added bonus the kids usually sleep until at least 6:30 so I also get an hour of ALONE TIME.

No joke. Yesterday morning I found a great recipe for dinner and this morning I drank two cups of coffee and read everything in my feed reader.

It was awesome.

So yeah, I get up at 5:00am on weekdays now and I am surprisingly okay with that.

And I feel good about myself for the first time in a while.

___

That picture is totally not me. As you may have guessed if I looked like that I wouldn’t be dragging my ass out of bed in the morning to lose weight. I would just wear really tight fitting clothes all of the time. And prance. I’d totally prance. A lot.

May 7, 2008 | Friends, My Soapbox, Other Bloggers, TV

How great is it to turn on The Today Show* and see your friends on there?

Kristen, Jill, Mir and Heather all did great jobs.

I enjoyed the segment even if Kathie Lee Gifford is pretty much a tool and obviously hasn’t spent much time reading blogs. Did she actually say she was afraid of the computer?

She is worried about Dooce exposing her child to people, yet I know what Kathie Lee’s kids names are and what they look like too. What is the difference between talking about your personal life on a blog or talking about your personal life on a morning talk show. Oh, right. People are still reading blogs on a regular basis.

Photo used with permission from Mir.

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* Fine, you caught me, I never would have just turned on The Today Show by myself. I find it mind-numbing, but I got the tweet from Kristen that they were airing the segment this morning and so I set up my DVR.

May 6, 2008 | Signs of the Apocalypse

I thought it was a sonic boom. I thought maybe a Space Shuttle was landing.

Then I remembered I don’t live in Florida anymore.

All I know it that my whole house shook for about 10 seconds.  10 seconds is only a long time if your house is vibrating.

As it turns out I’m not crazy. We had an earthquake right here in the DC suburbs.

My Soapbox

I’ve been sitting on this one for a while, because I wasn’t sure if 1) the subject matter was appropriate for my blog or 2) that any of you would care or know what I was talking about.

Anyway, you know that Nike ad? That one where the guy says “My Better is Better Than Your Better“?

That great song in the background is “List of Demands (Reparations)” by Saul Williams.

I am a fan of Saul Williams (not including his cover of “Sunday Bloody Sunday” which blows) and particularly “List of Demands”. Seriously, it is one of my favorite songs. Maybe one of my favorite tracks ever.

Here is my question to Nike: Are you trying to say that the government owes descendants of slaves money? That is a pretty hard core line for Nike to be taking.

This may be the most inappropriate use of a great song in an advertising campaign since Royal Caribbean Cruise lines used Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life” too sell cruises. I now cannot separate Royal Caribbean and heroin abuse in my mind.

This has been bothering me for weeks. I started to do some research and it isn’t just me that noticed.

It is a great song and the upbeat vibe fits the ad campaign perfectly but wow Nike. Reparations? During a war and a recession?

Am I overreacting? Am I underreacting? Is underreacting even a word? Discuss.

May 3, 2008 | Other Bloggers

You may have heard that my lovely lady friends Mrs. Chicky, Her Bad Mother and Chicken and Cheese are all within moments of having their second children.

You know how this works by now, right? Mother Bumper and the ladies from Cool Mom Picks are throwing a virtual baby shower (with prizes!)

They have asked for my favorite ass/advice on having a second child.

Heh.

As you may or may not know I had my second child a whopping two minutes after the first so I’m not very clear on what it would be like to just have one baby. Or toddler. Or crib or car seat or pack n’ play or… well you get the picture. But as a veteran parent of two children I can offer this: What works for one won’t necessarily work for the other one, don’t panic and just do whatever you can to comfort/discipline/potty train/get to sleep/feed each child as themselves.

Having two totally different children is one of the great parts about being a parent. I have learned a lot from these kids.

For example, I have completely reversed my opinion on nature versus nurture.

Quick aside: Last week I took the Goon Squad to South of the Border. For those of you that have never been it is like the crappiest gift shop imaginable all jacked up on steroids. I let each kid pick on thing to buy. Ian picked a squirt gun (after I nixed the sword and shield combo) and Claudia chose a princess tiara. Who would have guesses that two kids growing up with the exact same toys would end up such a girly girl and such a BOY?

Anyway, don’t listen to all the assvice about how things have to be done a certain way. While you may have gathered this information on the first go round just keep in mind this mantra: WHATEVER WORKS.

And yeah, the beginning will probably suck, and yes, they will fight at some point. Probably a lot. But they will also eventually play together giving you free time to do laundy or cook dinner or participate in virtual baby showers.

Now. Look at my babies.

May 2, 2008 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Cats, The Pink One

Me: Okay. I’m getting in the shower if anybody needs me.

Silence.

Me: Did you hear me? I will be in the shower if anyone needs anything.

Goon Squad: (not even looking up) Uh huh.

No more than two minutes later I hear running in the hall.

Claudia: Mommy! Mommy! Where are you?!

Me: I’M IN THE SHOWER!

Claudia: (Comes into the bathroom and trows open the shower curtain letting in a lot of cold air) Mommy! Mommy! It’s the greatest thing ever! Come see!

Me: I’m in the shower. What it it?

Claudia: It is the greatest thing ever! I’ll give you a hint. It goes in the potty and it isn’t yellow.

Me: What could it be?

Claudia: I pooped in the potty! You’ve got to come see it.

Me: Okay, when I get out of the shower I’ll come see your poop.

Claudia: Ok! (runs away)

42 seconds later I hear running in the hall and the bathroom door opens again.

Claudia: Mommy, when are you going to come look at my poop?

Me: I am in the shower. I am washing my hair.

Claudia: Can I see?

Shower curtain opens again, letting in more cold air.

Claudia: Oh. good job Mom.

Me: Thanks.

Claudia: How much longer will you be in the shower.

Me: 4 minutes.

One minute later the bathroom door opens again.

Sid: Meow. Meow. MEOW!

(You have got to be fucking kidding me)

Me: Sid, I am in the shower.

Small grey head pop inside the shower curtain letting in cold air.

Sid: Meow. Meow. meow.

Me: Let me guess. There is something brown in your litter box that I have to come see.

Claudia: (reappearing) Mommy! I see a kitty! What is Sid doing in the shower?

Me: I have no idea. Can I just shower in peace?

Curtain

Uncategorized

Every time the kids say to me “We’re not birds!”* I reply “You’re a jug band.”

Again, I’m glad you are here to appreciate how funny I think I am.

__

* Apparently I accuse them of being birds a lot because this has happened several times.

May 1, 2008 | Randomness

It’s a good thing I didn’t go ahead with that Sk*rt tattoo.

A friend of mine from way way back (no kidding, we were in Girl Scouts together) and her husband are working on adopting two children. They are adopting internationally and it is very expensive. To raise some extra money they have published a cookbook and it is only $12.50! You can get one here. I bought one and I’ll be giving one away as soon as the two I ordered get here. Go help them out. It is for a good cause. They will be amazing parents.

I didn’t even realize there WAS a father of LSD. R.I.P.

Listen, I like Jimi Hendrix as much as the next music fan. In no way am I interested in watching him do two chicks at one time.

DC gets a bowl game!

Parenting, Proof of My Immaturity, The Pink One

How am I supposed to keep a straight face when Claudia keeps calling Ian a Dammit Boy?