Caveat

I feel like I need to clarify a few things about my post yesterday.

I’ve gotten e-mails and phone calls from my real life friends and family asking why I hadn’t told them about feeling depressed before. There are a couple of reasons. First, I think I just realized what was going on. Even more importantly I think it is part of it. Usually I am the first person to contact everyone I know if something is going on in my life. When I suspected Gabe was out shopping for my engagement ring I called at least four people. When I thought I was being blog-stalked I sent out a mass e-mail to about seven of my real life friends who blog and asked them if someone from Fredericksburg kept showing up on their site meters. (Okay, so maybe it turned out to be me. But I still feel justified because I don’t live in Fredericksburg. I don’t even really live near Fredericksburg. How was I supposed to know it was me?) I think the fact that I wasn’t talking about it made it even more apparent to me that something was wrong. I mean – I’m the one that has to post and tell the whole interweb every time Ian poops more than three times in one day.

That reminds me. Did I tell you guys that Ian pooped in the bathtub yesterday? Gross.

Gabe pointed out to me that I forgot to tell you something else that is pretty pertinent to what is really going on. I don’t really talk about my period much on here. I have a lot of male readers and even though most of you guys are Dads and you know all about menstrual cycles I’m guessing you don’t really want to come here to read about mine. Either way, my mood swings, or my “bad days” seem to be directly related to my hormones. The worst moods come right before my period. You could almost call it PMS, except I feel like I get unusually angry.

I had this problem right before I got pregnant the first time too. For some reason instead of just crying at commercials and never being able to get enough to eat (which is my regular PMS) I hate the world and feel personally affronted by almost everything. Before I had kids I figured that I would go to a doctor and see if they would give me some Valium or Xanax just for the really bad days at work. This time it seems to be more mixed with complete lack of motivation.

But still, I do have a lot of good days. Yesterday I was fine. My point is that I don’t want to kick my cats every day. I am having a cyclical thing. Somebody told me the other day that they made a Prozac just for PMS. Maybe that is more along the lines of what I need. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m going to see my doctor on Wednesday.

Gabe also pointed out to me that I probably don’t realize that I am actually still getting a lot done. It just doesn’t feel like it. Just him telling me that he thinks I am doing a good job makes a huge difference. I think a lot of the time I think that I am letting him down by not getting to all of the laundry, but I forget that he knows these kids pretty well. The phrase he used yesterday was “I know what you are up against all day”.

I also hope everyone understood that it isn’t so much that I thing being depressed is trendy (even though it is certainly socially acceptable these days) I just think that writing about it in a blog setting is done a lot. Sometimes it is really over done. I’m sure I could have plenty of discussions at BlogHer about my minivan and Pampers vs. Huggies too. I’m usually the number one cheerleader for any of my friends getting pharmaceutical assistance when they have felt like it would help. I’m not sure why I am feeling so sheepish about it now that it’s me.

No matter what I really appreciate all of your comments yesterday. It has been really helpful to know that other people get what I was trying to say. I’ll get to the Christian thing too. I’ll probably get to the “20 Eyes” video as well, now I just have to catch the kids when they are both willing to sing for the camera.

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  1. I hope things start to improve for you. I was seeing a therapist for awhile then the husband lost his job. I liked my therapist but I was getting tired of just talking about how I felt. He wouldn’t even consider meds for me. I get the same way right before my period and I just blogged about it on my page. I get ridiculously angry a couple days before and it scares me and makes me so sad. I yell at the kids more often and for little stuff that, Jesus why am I yelling at them? Agh, so yeah, I meant to say that I’m right there with you. Moms need to support moms.

  2. I don’t know if it is age or having kids, but my PMS is absolutely horrendous…..the rage that courses through me is terrifying.

    Being aware of it helps…but what a fricken miserable way to exist!

  3. You know that is what my PMS is like now.
    RAGE.
    I used to get moody, grumpy, sometimes get irrational hurt feelings…….but now it’s RAGE. About a week before I can expect a huge blowout of some sort, and I can feel the madness gripping the back of my neck and I still can’t stop it.

  4. All the meds floating around BlogHer will make it a pretty crazy drug scene. Doped up mommies! Woo hoo!

    Seriously, though. I only just read your last post so I’ll comment here – I hear you so, so clearly. ANd if it’s a trend, the trend is doing right by us. We’re just all taking care.

    ((()))

  5. I hope Tom “If Anyone Should Be On Meds It’s Me” Cruise hasn’t made you more reluctant to medicate. Seriously, you’ve probably helped a whole lot of tired, off-kilter moms who aren’t sure what’s wrong just by writing about your experience. I’ve got to hand it to you, though, we would have never known.

    I hope things get much better after your appointment.

  6. 1) Vitamin B6 (50 mg, 2 x a day) really really helps my PMS mood swings.

    2) Xanax is awesome. I don’t take it now, but around my wedding, I would pop half a pill in my freak out moments. it was a lifesaver.

    good luck sweetie! you are an awesome mom and an AMAZING sister-in-law! :)

  7. My wife actually has the same kind of thing. Her PMS got so terrible for her after our Okapis were born and it was just so hard on her. Therapy actually has helped her feel a lot better. Lord knows, I’ve had enough therapy for you and me and many of your readers combined. 😉

  8. Speaking of Tom Cruise and PMS and rage … a few days ago I drew devil horns, missing teeth, mustaches, and tails on every single picture of the bastard that I could find in the lunchroom hodge-podge of Hollywood magazines.

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