I feel like I need to clarify a few things about my post yesterday.
I’ve gotten e-mails and phone calls from my real life friends and family asking why I hadn’t told them about feeling depressed before. There are a couple of reasons. First, I think I just realized what was going on. Even more importantly I think it is part of it. Usually I am the first person to contact everyone I know if something is going on in my life. When I suspected Gabe was out shopping for my engagement ring I called at least four people. When I thought I was being blog-stalked I sent out a mass e-mail to about seven of my real life friends who blog and asked them if someone from Fredericksburg kept showing up on their site meters. (Okay, so maybe it turned out to be me. But I still feel justified because I don’t live in Fredericksburg. I don’t even really live near Fredericksburg. How was I supposed to know it was me?) I think the fact that I wasn’t talking about it made it even more apparent to me that something was wrong. I mean – I’m the one that has to post and tell the whole interweb every time Ian poops more than three times in one day.
That reminds me. Did I tell you guys that Ian pooped in the bathtub yesterday? Gross.
Gabe pointed out to me that I forgot to tell you something else that is pretty pertinent to what is really going on. I don’t really talk about my period much on here. I have a lot of male readers and even though most of you guys are Dads and you know all about menstrual cycles I’m guessing you don’t really want to come here to read about mine. Either way, my mood swings, or my “bad days” seem to be directly related to my hormones. The worst moods come right before my period. You could almost call it PMS, except I feel like I get unusually angry.
I had this problem right before I got pregnant the first time too. For some reason instead of just crying at commercials and never being able to get enough to eat (which is my regular PMS) I hate the world and feel personally affronted by almost everything. Before I had kids I figured that I would go to a doctor and see if they would give me some Valium or Xanax just for the really bad days at work. This time it seems to be more mixed with complete lack of motivation.
But still, I do have a lot of good days. Yesterday I was fine. My point is that I don’t want to kick my cats every day. I am having a cyclical thing. Somebody told me the other day that they made a Prozac just for PMS. Maybe that is more along the lines of what I need. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m going to see my doctor on Wednesday.
Gabe also pointed out to me that I probably don’t realize that I am actually still getting a lot done. It just doesn’t feel like it. Just him telling me that he thinks I am doing a good job makes a huge difference. I think a lot of the time I think that I am letting him down by not getting to all of the laundry, but I forget that he knows these kids pretty well. The phrase he used yesterday was “I know what you are up against all day”.
I also hope everyone understood that it isn’t so much that I thing being depressed is trendy (even though it is certainly socially acceptable these days) I just think that writing about it in a blog setting is done a lot. Sometimes it is really over done. I’m sure I could have plenty of discussions at BlogHer about my minivan and Pampers vs. Huggies too. I’m usually the number one cheerleader for any of my friends getting pharmaceutical assistance when they have felt like it would help. I’m not sure why I am feeling so sheepish about it now that it’s me.
No matter what I really appreciate all of your comments yesterday. It has been really helpful to know that other people get what I was trying to say. I’ll get to the Christian thing too. I’ll probably get to the “20 Eyes” video as well, now I just have to catch the kids when they are both willing to sing for the camera.