Archive for July, 2008
Dear Everyone Who Encouraged Me to Potty Train My Children,
My kids are four years old now and they are finally potty trained.
(Yeah, it took me two entire years to accomplish potty training. I consider it a long term goal.)
Yes, it is wonderful that I am saving buttloads of money on pull-ups and diapers. Yes, I appreciate the freedom of not having to change 8 – 20 diapers a day. (Twins, people.) Yes, I am glad they are no longer the only children in their class who aren’t toilet trained and that this is probably a huge step towards getting them out of the house and marrying them off.
I had been warned about boys peeing all over the toilet seat.
It wasn’t so much that I didn’t believe you. It is just that Gabe is really good about aiming (as far as I can tell) and apparently so were my Dad and brother. I don’t ever remember it being a big problem.
Even now, it isn’t so much the pee on the seat. When it is your baby boy’s pee it isn’t a big deal to be wiping it off the seat. I mean – I changed his diaper for FOUR YEARS I am familiar with his urine. The problem is the smell.
My kids entire bathroom smells like pee.
A lot.
It isn’t even that Ian is so bad at aiming. It is that he is really bad at focusing on the task at hand.
The other day he came out of the bathroom and informed me that he had a little accident. No, he didn’t pee in his pants. He peed all over the shower curtain.
How does one accidentally pee all over the shower curtain?
In short, while I am thrilled that my children are now housebroken I would like to warn all other mothers of boys who are not yet potty trained.
Be careful what you wish for.
Or just buy a lot of bleach.
Love,
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
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Don’t forget to check out the Perfect Post Awards. This month I awarded my buddy Stimey for her post How to Save Up for Your Vacation. It made me laugh. A lot.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
5:56 pm |
The Goon Squad and I were on our way to the grocery store today when I found myself in one of those predicaments.
Somebody was tailgating me.
I don’t mean the awesome party before the football game with beer and bratwurst. I mean the kind where some punk in a tiny little midlife crisis Saturn Sky was all up in my business. He was waaaaaay to close. I could hardly see him in my rear view mirror.
So I did what any would would do. I slowed down.
We played that game for about one minute and then – in a wide, but only one lane in each direction street – he passed me on the right.
I was pissed. For one thing he turned into a shopping center parking lot about 1/10th of a mile later but also, and more importantly, my children were in the car.
Then I turned into the lioness.
I used to be a very confrontational person. I used to pick fights with strangers. I mean, only if I had a reason, but I was never one to let things go. Then I had twins and I learned about patience.
So anyway, I was mad at this douche who put our lives in danger so he could be cool and pass me.
So I followed his little green convertible ass into the parking lot. And I followed him to his spot.
And then I blocked him into his parking spot and rolled down my window.
Then I waited while he put up the top to his car.
“Hey! That was really dangerous, and I want you to know I have two little kids in my car and you could have killed us.”
“I…uh… sorry. I late to flight.”
“You could have seriously hurt somebody.”
“I sorry. I lose my flight.”
“You are late to for flight? So you stopped at the Micro Center?
He nodded.
“You have plenty of time to put the top up on your car but you had to PASS ME IN MY LANE? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY DRIVING LIKE THAT!”
He apologized again, but what a jackass. What I didn’t tell him was that my Minivan could have smashed his little plastic car and had I been alone in my big steel vehicle I would have attempted to run him off the road.
Because I am PMSing. And that would have been hilarious.
But I seriously think what made me so mad was that the kids were in the car with me. He risked the lives of my children. It is my job to protect them and I feel like I did that today.
And I know I am a good mother because I didn’t go key his car after he went into the store.
That would have set a bad example.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
3:52 pm |
You know how when you go to birthday parties for little kids your children get parting gifts?* I went to a birthday party this weekend where the adults got parting gifts too, and my parting gift was a baggie full of ham.
Seriously. A sandwich bag with ham in it.
(Curse my broken camera!)
It wasn’t a joke either. This is what happens when vegetarians serve cold cuts to guests.
Or maybe if you go to a party where the mom and the dad are both bloggers the real parting gift was blog fodder.
Either way I challenge you to come up with a more bizarre take-away from a party. (And no fair saying laundry nuts.) It has to be real, and bonus points if it was something consumable.
Side note: I could not find a picture of ham in a baggie on Google Image, but I did find this handy Pork Cut Chart.
* Seriously. Not necessary. You don’t have to bribe my kids to come over to your house and eat cake. Plus they will probably just trash your place. It is really nice, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do it.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
2:12 pm |
Step 1) Meet a friend in 10th grade.
Step 2) Stay in touch with aforementioned friend for 20 years.
Step 3) Have children.
Step 4) Wait for friend to get a job in your town and move 1000 miles north.
Step 5) Have friend marry awesome guy.
Step 6) Wait until that guy is unemployed.
Step 7) Invite the two of them over to dinner.
Step 8 ) Give guy friend many beers and then sucker him into babysitting while you go to the gym.
And there you have it! Simple.
You are thinking it would be easier to just pay a neighborhood kid, aren’t you?
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
3:15 pm |
I did something yesterday that I had never done before.
For the first time in my entire life I mowed the lawn.
(No. That is not a euphemism.)
I mowed the yard and I have a couple of things I would like to say about it. 1) It was both way easier and way harder than I expected. 2) Why did we buy a lawn mower that wasn’t self-propelled?
For those of you who have also lasted this long without ever mowing here is how I would describe it: It is a lot like shaving except you sweat more.
So now I am not sure if I should be proud that I can mow the grass or embarrassed that it took me 35 years to do it for the first time.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
8:00 am |
