Under Pressure

If you ask any of the grandparents around here my kids are perfect except:

They should be in swimming lessons.
They should be taking Karate.
Ian should be in speech therapy.
The children need their own computer because I won’t ever let them use mine.*
I should pay more attention to the children. I spend to much time on the computer. (I work from home. About 36 – 40 hours a week. The kids aren’t in school right now. At all.)
Claudia needs to be in ballet.
I should be taking the children to the pool/beach/library/park more.

and also

I should get a (real) job.

and also

I should stay here longer. I should come visit more. I should do a family meet up in August and I should come back to Florida in November. I should join a gym. I should spend less money. I should cook more. I should have taken time off of work when I came to visit.

And I promise – I will get right on top of all of this as soon as I can score some clones that shit money and can figure out how to get the kids to leave the house without fighting about putting on their damn shoes.

* * *

* This one came out of nowhere. The kids do use my computer, which, makes it very difficult for me to get any work done because my job is all on the internet.

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  1. Ooooooo, one of those days, huh? Sorry. When you find the clones that shit money-order me a few too.

  2. And that is why I live on a different continent than either of my parents!

  3. Ah family.

    Do they have their pants on? B/c Michael refuses to wear his pants.

  4. Ha! I work from home, too. Same # of hours, same lack of school to pawn kids off on. And yet, my mother-in-law apologizes for waking me up every single time she asks me for something. In the middle of the day. Because obviously, I’m probably napping.

  5. I feel your pain my sister. And have attempted implienting half those things and now I’m a lunatic on xanax.

  6. Oh and also? Their father seems to do everything BETTER…

  7. lol , sorry but are these your parents or your inlaws .
    also about the clones …. could i throw my name in on that list if you find them. i can leave one back home with my mom so she will leave me alone every time she gets empty nest syndrome

  8. My mother told me today that Max would spend less of his time pushing my buttons if we lived in a bigger house.

    I told her that we were moving into hers in July.

    I wasn’t kidding.

  9. Dang, you really suck. It’s a wonder those kids aren’t in juvenile detention.

    They aren’t, are they?

  10. Your MIL says:

    Just to let you know, not only are your children perfect but so are you. You are a great mother, a great wife , and the best daughter in law in the world.

    If I am guilty of saying the kids need swimming lessons i will either shut up or offer to take them myself.

    Your MIL

  11. At least you have someone to blame these statements on. All of those go on in my head so there is no one to blame but me. And I don’t even make enough money to justify any of it, even to myself.

  12. My only real question for them would be: How can you join a gym and put your kids in all these activities while spending less money?

  13. That’s okay – according to my mother in law my children are perfect except they aren’t real grandchildren. They did not burst forth from my loins, so while they’re nice enough kids, they aren’t genetically her grandchildren and therefore she just happens to forget that they exist. It’s awesome, I promise.

    How are you supposed to spend less money but pay for all that shit? And how are you supposed to be able to spend more time with your kids and do all that traveling if you have a “real” job?

  14. Besides, once you figure out how to shit all that money AND be in six places at once, you’ll be so busy swimming in your pool of money (like Scrooge McDuck*) to care whether or not you can make a visit. They should be happy how it is.

    *I originally typed duck with an f instead of a d. I’m glad I reread the comment before I posted it.

  15. I thought grandparents were supposed to be providing all those extras for the grandkids. THEY are the clones that are pooping money. Perhaps you should remind them of this!

  16. And my mother wonders why I don’t visit more…

  17. Also, your MIL is awesome, I love her comment!

  18. My parents used to be like this. My father called me EVERY SINGLE DAY to ask if I gave my eldest flouride for his teeth. (I dubbed him Floride Nazi).

    Luckily, they have chilled out considerably because I could NOT take it with this new baby. I have had 2 hrs nightly sleep for a month and I might snap and flog them with a burp cloth.

  19. Ah, there’s no love like fambly love.

  20. If you want them to have lessons, I can give you Meghan’s number. I don’t understand Karate or it’s appleal. Neither of my children took it nor will they. When Ian gets to kindergarten, they will let you know if he qualifies for speech and if he does, he can have it at school like Josh did. No biggie. He can enjoy the summer muttering. Although I’ve not noticed that he mutters. I mutter sometimes, but I don’t think it is related to a speech problem, I do it when I’m pissed off.

    Your kids go lots of places, I should know I’m the one who calls you 500 times a day and you are always somewhere other than home for about 350 of those calls.

    Just throw the shoes in the car and don’t worry if the kids have them on. By the time you get to the next destination, they’ll put them on.

    And sign me up for the clone alert list.

  21. Aprylsantics says:

    I’m just going to say “AARRRGHH” for you, because I know.

  22. merseydotes says:

    Any why don’t you have them signed up for any camps this summer, Sarah? And what about doing reading worksheets with them? Don’t you love them?

  23. You’d obviously be able to spend more time with your children if you worked outside your home. Duh.

  24. Your MIL’s comment is PERFECT.

    But I hear you on the rant. Except it’s not MY parents, it’s the in-laws. Like: “L’s not talking yet? Maybe he should see a therapist” Oh, and he was 18 months.

    Now all they want the kids to do is shut up.

  25. Oh dear lord. That’s all just entirely unfair. It’s grandparent amnesia. They all seem to recall things having been much better/more orderly/more “right” when they did it, no?

  26. Michelle says:

    we get similar things as well and none of things I am told I should do ever are feasible or make logical sense.

  27. oh gosh I am so glad to read this coming from someone else. Makes me feel less like I’ve lost my mind and am the ONLY one living that exact life. good luck :)

  28. Ahhh…my mother in law lives in Africa – that reduces my stress by half. For the rest, I just decide what I can do and what I want to do and what is actually important for me to do…that narrows the list down significantly. :)

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