The Phone, The Fight, The Santa Lie and Poop

I made the mistake of telling them that they could answer the phone when I was in the shower.

Yes, I am talking about my five year olds and no, I have no idea what I was thinking.cordless_phone

I realize you are expecting me to say that they ordered a years worth of Highlights magazines (because those people call me three times a week. I wish that was an exaggeration.) or that someone called 911 but that isn’t what happened.

What happened was that before I got done conditioning my hair I could hear the screaming through the closed bathroom door.

They were fighting over who got to answer the phone.

But it never actually rang.

They have been fighting like crazy for days now. I think my children need school just to have time apart.

I’m getting out of the shower and I have both children in the bathroom screaming and crying and Ian is clutching the telephone.

I tell them that they can take turns answering the phone.

Claudia says that will never work because two people won’t call.

I say I can arrange to have people call.

This is true, but Claudia screams that it isn’t true and her brother ruined her life and this was the worst day ever EVER EVER!

And I am trying to get out of the bathroom in a towel and it is cold and my clothes are on the other side of that little banshee and I ended up doing something that I am not at all proud of.

I invoked Santa Claus.

I said “If you want a stocking full of coal you just keep this up because Santa can hear you.”

I know. I am a terrible person and a liar.

So Claudia stops screaming. Not because she gives a rats ass what I think about Santa but because something entirely different.

santa_toilet_coverShe smirks and says “Santa can’t see you when you are pooping.”

I say “Well sure he can. I don’t know why he would want to, but he probably can.”

Then she says “He would see your butt!

Then peals of laughter as both kids are overcome with the giggles.

Because of butts.

And Santa.

So they stopped fighting for five minutes.

But then the phone rang.

I will never make it to 2010 at this rate.

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  1. I’ve been threatening to call Santa for the past week. I even threatened it this morning that he could still see her and if she wasn’t good he would skip right over our house.

    Parent of the Year Awards flow constantly to my house.

  2. –>That just made me LAUGH. A family member bought an Elf at Hallmark a few years ago who “watches the children” for Santa starting on Dec. 1st. The idea is to move the elf around while they’re sleeping so they have to find it the next day. She Swears by this thing for her two kids. I’m going to Hallmark today.

  3. I invoked the Santa Claus this morning too. I miss school. I need s stiff drink.

  4. Awesome. What’s funny (or…maybe stalker like? Either one.) is that I was thinking the other day about if your kids believe in Santa, because I seem to remember reading a few posts about how you usually try and be pretty honest with them.

    I constantly threaten my daughter with Santa (shit, kept typing Satan, but again, either one). It works. For a bit.

  5. sueinithaca says:

    I can’t threaten my kids with Santa. Stupid honesty. Every time I bring up Santa, my 5yo says “Mama, I KNOW you are Santa). Stupid ethics. stupid stupid.

    The 5yo is allowed to answer the phone if I can’t get it (shoewr, getting the mail, whatever). The last time someone called and she answered, I was feeding the chickens. She told them “Mama went to go be in the chicken coop.” Niiiice.

  6. Last night, I threatened to put a big sign in the yard telling Santa not to bother stopping at our house. Eh. So far today, that lingering threat is working.

  7. I told the 2.5 year old that Santa was watching her and so she had better behave or there would be NO. PRESENTS.

    Guess who wouldn’t sleep last night be “santa is watching me and he’s scary and I can’t go to sleeeeeeeeepppp”.


  8. I don’t know what’s disturbing: Santa seeing my butt, or that toilet seat cozy.

  9. Too funny…it’s amazing what will make them laugh and forget what they were fighting about at this age.

  10. If Santa can see me when I do that then Santa is a big effing freak.

  11. (And I’m hiding in my room from grown people for an hour on Christmas day to read blogs apparently so maybe we all need time alone. All the time. I LOVE MY FAMILY I LOVE MY FAMILY. ;))

    And I am so totally shocked your phone didn’t ring that I really don’t believe the premise of this post. Isn’t Santa calling you several times per day?


  12. I can only threaten with Hanukkah Harry, but I don’t think Hanukkah Harry is as voyeuristic as Santa. Is he?

  13. HAHAHA. You are funny. I always always invoke Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Thanksgiving Turkey when there’s even a smidgeon of a chance it will work. Desperate times . . .

  14. Thank you Sarah. That was the best thing I read all day. Apparently I have the sense of humor of a 5 year old.

  15. I called Santa this year on my 2YO. It didn’t do much for the little guy, but his big sister (6YO) was floored. Totally worth it.

  16. We will do crazy, crazy things to be able to shower and dress alone.

    At least, I think we will. I’ve never actually gotten through the whole routine without “help” from my 5 yo and 2 yo.

    Lucky us!

  17. Seriously, you have to call a friend (on your cell) and have them call you back (on the landline). Duh!

    And calling fave uncles and asking, “Santa, can you see when Claudia/Ian is pooping?” will give them years of therapy. Trust me, it works.

  18. This totally cracked me up! My sister used to “call” the phone when she was little. Meaning she was the only one allowed to answer it! She’d sit under it (remember corded wall phones?) for like an hour just waiting and waiting for someone to call. Strange child!

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