I made the mistake of telling them that they could answer the phone when I was in the shower.
Yes, I am talking about my five year olds and no, I have no idea what I was thinking.
I realize you are expecting me to say that they ordered a years worth of Highlights magazines (because those people call me three times a week. I wish that was an exaggeration.) or that someone called 911 but that isn’t what happened.
What happened was that before I got done conditioning my hair I could hear the screaming through the closed bathroom door.
They were fighting over who got to answer the phone.
But it never actually rang.
They have been fighting like crazy for days now. I think my children need school just to have time apart.
I’m getting out of the shower and I have both children in the bathroom screaming and crying and Ian is clutching the telephone.
I tell them that they can take turns answering the phone.
Claudia says that will never work because two people won’t call.
I say I can arrange to have people call.
This is true, but Claudia screams that it isn’t true and her brother ruined her life and this was the worst day ever EVER EVER!
And I am trying to get out of the bathroom in a towel and it is cold and my clothes are on the other side of that little banshee and I ended up doing something that I am not at all proud of.
I invoked Santa Claus.
I said “If you want a stocking full of coal you just keep this up because Santa can hear you.”
I know. I am a terrible person and a liar.
So Claudia stops screaming. Not because she gives a rats ass what I think about Santa but because something entirely different.
She smirks and says “Santa can’t see you when you are pooping.”
I say “Well sure he can. I don’t know why he would want to, but he probably can.”
Then she says “He would see your butt!”
Then peals of laughter as both kids are overcome with the giggles.
Because of butts.
So they stopped fighting for five minutes.
But then the phone rang.
I will never make it to 2010 at this rate.