Why? Why would I ever be her friend on Facebook?

You know, sometimes you think you are beyond something. You may not think about it for months at a time. It doesn’t seem like something that bothers you anymore but then there is that name and all the anger boils back up to the surface.

I used to hold crazy grudges. There was a time that I was proud that I did not forgive people. I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. Even now if you piss me off bad enough I just stop knowing you.

I’m not even talking about an old boyfriend. I am talking about the first girl who was my friend who I trusted who betrayed that trust. We were in 10th grade when she tried to steal my boyfriend.

The guy in question wasn’t even worth a damn. My life would probably be a better place had she succeeded. He was a jerk and he ended up cheating on me anyway, but at least it was with someone I didn’t know.

The point is that I never really had any faith in the boy. One time he lectured me on how important it was how many syllables a band name had – you know, because of the chanting at arena shows. He wasn’t really much of a catch. Last I heard he had a nice job at a gas station. He talked so much trash that I wasn’t really all that surprised when it turned out that he had two girlfriends at one time. I was disappointed but not shocked that he was a liar.

I trusted her. She was my friend. I told her my secrets. I never thought in a million years that she would would betray me.

But she did.

She really, really did and I vowed I would never forgive her.

I was 16. It was 21 years ago.

Last night I was in my kitchen, checking my e-mail and there her name is in the subject line.

Hi Sarah,
Your Nemesis wants to be friends with you on Facebook.
Of course it was her real name and I don’t even know if I’m not telling you her name out of respect or it is because I feel like I would have to spit every time I read it. I had no idea I was still angry.
I’ve had shitty friends since then but really, I just walk away. If I can’t totally walk away I will distance myself slowly. I don’t need to pledge revenge anymore. Most of the time I don’t even let it get to me.
But this – THIS – has me angry all over again and my only guess as to why is that she was the first girl who ever really fucked me over.
I guess I have been lucky. I have had, and still have many close friends. I am the girl who had trouble keeping my wedding party down to five people. I make friends easily and I must usually be a good judge of character because I have a lot of friends who have been in my life for over 20 years who have never betrayed me.


I really don’t understand why I feel sick to my stomach. I understand even less why I am so offended that she would think I would accept her friend request. She probably doesn’t even remember what happened. It was more than half my life ago.
And if you are wondering, no I did not accept. I don’t want to see her pictures. I don’t care how many children she has. It would not make me feel better if she gained a bunch of weight. I don’t want to know where she lives or what she does for a living.  I don’t even want her to die anymore, but I really, really wish she wouldn’t try to be my friend.
And deep down inside I guess I still hope she gets really horrible diarrhea in a place with a really dirty restroom.
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  1. Ugh. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Like you, people who fuck with me are dead to me. I get very vendatta over this.

    My oldest friend screwed with me more than once – well until I was in my 30s – until I finally realized that I didn’t need to be used anymore. Usually, I’m more of the 1 strike you’re out type, but this person just . . . I don’t know. Still working through it.

    Glad you didn’t friend her.

  2. I have someone like that from my past, but thankfully she hasn’t found me on facebook (or elsewhere). Though there are plenty of people who barely gave me the time of day in high school who send me friend requests. Odd, that.

  3. Ooh yeah. I know what you mean. I got a friend request from the jerk who bullied me all through middle and high school. Such a “WTF?” moment.

    If you haven’t already seen this, you need to. TOTALLY applies.

  4. Maybe this is life’s way of giving you an opportunity to work through your feelings on this, so that this defining moment in your life stops having so much power over you.

    Or maybe she’s just mean.

  5. Not just diarrhea, really. The uncontrollable need to vomit in such a place. Yeah, that sounds good.

    I’m with you on this. Same issue with a long-ago friend. 20-odd years later, she tells me how much she misses me. Ahem.

  6. My college boyfriend friended me a year ago on facebook. We had talked marriage, kids, the whole works, and he broke it off with me because his parents wanted him to marry a good Korean girl.

    My husband told me to take the high road and ignore the friend request. Instead I friended him. Then he emailed me immediately to catch up and I told him about my awesome life. I made myself gag reading it!

    So worth it to friend him. Still not married, still no girlfriend, still thinking about me. SO WORTH IT.

    I may or may not have said douchebag 50 times when telling this story to all my college friends.

  7. Happened to me too. And? I had to deny the friend request not once BUT TWICE!

  8. No way does she not remember. She totally remembers.


  9. Cheaters are the worst. They may remember, but they don’t know what it felt like. I think you may also still hope she gets really horrible diarrhea in a country where toilets are just a hole in the ground between two footpads. Nobody’s that accurate.

  10. Some people aren’t very smart.

  11. smartaleck says:

    The best thing to wish on her would be to get the ailment while on a multinational bus tour (Europe, methinks) where all of the restrooms are pay toilets–and everyone rushes to the bathroom when they get off of the bus.

    Because I know from experience that women hold the door for the next one in line (if they’re courteous) in order to save the rest of the tour group the money you put in the door.
    She would either have to fess up about her ailment, or be seen as the Bee_otch who let the next person pay, then left them in a cloud of her stench.

    What’s worse–to be embarrassed at the start, or after someone coughed up money?

    Or you could go all Heathers on her–befriend her then poison her with Drano. But then the pink and blue ones would have to visit you in jail. Cross that one off the list.

    I hate people who are clueless. If you know that you’ve screwed someone over in your lifetime, stay out of their life until their next lifetime where they won’t recognize you.

  12. Lumpyhead's Mom's friend Sarah says:

    This is what Facebook is good for; now you get the power to affirmatively decline her friendship and walk away. I have found it very freeing to do that with people – something I can’t manage in real life.

  13. and that is just another reason a) i avoid facebook and b) i utter ” i hate people” way too often.

    sorry you were betrayed by your best friend. IMO, betrayal is the hardest thing to overcome. thanks for sharing :)

  14. How much you wanna bet she didn’t think that it was a big deal since it was so long ago? And yeah, those who do the betraying are awfully blase about the effect it has on their ‘friends’.

    I friended one ex on fb because he was a good guy but we were too young and denied another because he was an emotionally abusive jerk. There is a major sense of empowerment when you get to deny a request. Suck it, bitch!

  15. Forgiveness is overrated.

  16. I find it’s often the case with ignorant jerks and jerkess'(?) that they think you’ll ignore what’s happened if they do. They’re like “what?”. Just look away and walk on. There are millions of good people who will never betray your trust.

    This is a link to an interview with Maya Angelou (by Oprah, but don’t hold it against her!)who talks about this very thing. Friends who commit “Little murders” and then say “Oh but I didn’t mean it”. BAH!! Now, just wait a minute while I climb down off my high horse and congratulate you on another thought-provoking post. http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Oprah-Interviews-Maya-Angelou/5

  17. I had this same issue. I did allow the friendship on facebook thing and it’s true. She probably has no idea just like mine didn’t. Clueless that she was my arch nemesis for so many years. However, somehow peeking into her life and seeing her now has helped me get over how much anger I had towards her and I can’t figure out why.

  18. Tool wrote a great song about grudges. It would be quite preposterous of me to try and give you any advice, but personally, I’ve always been a believer in trying to forgive people, though I know it isn’t always easy.

  19. Time to use that block tool on Facebook.

  20. How much you wanna bet she didn’t think that it was a big deal since it was so long ago? And yeah, those who do the betraying are awfully blase about the effect it has on their ‘friends’.

    I friended one ex on fb because he was a good guy but we were too young and denied another because he was an emotionally abusive jerk. There is a major sense of empowerment when you get to deny a request. Suck it, bitch!

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