Why You Shouldn’t Listen to The Bloggess’ Audio Book With Your Kids in the Car

I was so excited when my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened arrived in the mail. I was psyched because I had preordered it eons ago and people that bought the paper version of the book got theirs earlier. I ordered the audio book because 1) How cool is it that Jenny got to narrate her own audio book? 2) I like audiobooks because I spend a lot of time driving back and forth to grocery stores and 3) I am super lazy.

I put it in my car right away.

My seven year old twins were sitting in the third row of my minivan (shut up) ostensibly to get as far away from me as possible but also probably because they think it makes them look cooler and so I wasn’t that worried that they could even hear what I was listening to when I noticed that they were absolutely silent.

Two seven year olds are never silent, unless maybe they are sleeping or up to no good.

In this case they were listening intently.

Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Jenny Lawson’s New Audio Book with Your Children in the Car – Besides the Obvious Reasons

I could tell for sure when Jenny dropped the F bomb and they started chuckling.

I stopped the CD.

“Do you guys think this is funny?”

“Yeah.” they agreed.

“My friend wrote this and that is her voice reading it. Isn’t that cool?” I said to my rear view mirror.

“Can you turn it back on?” my son asked.

Eh, what is the harm? I thought and then she began telling the story of the magical squirrel.

Without giving too much of the story away, “Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel” is about this one time when Jenny’s dad pretended to have a squirrel that understood English and could count but really it was a dead rodent that her father was using as a puppet to mess with his daughters.

It is both funnier and more charming when Jenny tells it, but that is why she has a book and I’m just sitting here at my desk in a towel.

Too much information? Sorry, I always have my best ideas in the shower then I run out here and start typing right away before I forget what I wanted to say. I’m not wearing glasses or contacts either so you can just assume that those are typos and I’m not illiterate.

Once the chapter was over I turned off the radio. “What did you guys think?” I asked.

“That was kind of weird.” said my son.

“She sure knew a lot of bad words when she was eight!” my daughter said.

That, my friends, is a high compliment coming from a child that loves cursing. My kids both think that bad words are about the best thing in the world. The other day my son asked me what my favorite language was and I said “English” and he said that his was “beyond questionable” and then started laughing.

I swear that is 100% true. He is a clever guy.

I am starting to think it is hereditary to love foul language and that my husband and I passed on some weird cursing gene. I credit/blame my mother.

I suppose it is also possible that watching all of those “Deadwood” reruns while nursing could also be responsible for their obsession with colorful language. Really, when you think about it, I should just shut the hell up and be happy that their first word wasn’t cocksucker.

Whenever somebody asks if I am like my blog in real life I say that I am exactly like my blog except I am taller and I curse more. I think it is a pretty accurate description.

I changed the CD to some compilation of punk rock songs which probably had an equal amount of cursing but the lyrics were more obscured by all of the guitars and drums and I think my kids walked away mostly unscathed. While I totally think you should Buy Jenny’s book because it is screamingly funny, I would not recommend listening to it in the car with your kids unless they are grown ups.


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This is not a paid or a sponsored anything. Jenny didn’t even ask me to write it. I just thought you would appreciate my crappy parenting. That being said, those are amazon associate links so if you click on them and buy something I can still get money. Cha ching. 

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  1. I’ve never been more proud than the time each of my kids used fuck in a sentence correctly. Okay, I have been. But still, it was a proud parenting moment. I mean, if you are going to use it, use it correctly.

    I have her book on my Kindle. I’m waiting till I’m on a plane for hours on Sunday to read it. I can’t wait.

  2. Thanks for the warning. I bought it off audible on its release day, but I’m trying to finish off another audio book before I start this one. Having been a reader (and rabid fan) of Jenny’s for years, I was guessing it wasn’t kid-safe (well, at least while the kids are in danger or repeating what they hear at Catholic school).

    A few more months and all bets are off. Fuckers.

  3. You know, Jenny has often blogged and posted pictures of herself in a towel, or of course in a towel with a cat. Not saying you should, just pointing out you’re not alone.

    I almost wish I got the CD. I spot read some of the chapters and recognized a few from blog posts that she obviously expanded. I am hoping this summer to have the time (ha) to sit down and read the whole thing front to back.

  4. Are you saying that your mother has a filthy mouth, too?

    Because that is awesome.

  5. I was reading it lying in bed last and I swear to God I pulled a muscle in my neck laughing so hard. I told my husband I might have to burn it when I’m done so my 9 yr old doesn’t find it and read it!

  6. High praise. I shall indeed buy it. Your review cinches it. (Though I was pretty tempted before….)
    Hope you and the goons are well….and using your curses correctly.

  7. See, now you’ve made me want the audiobook, even though I already have the electronic version and I bought the hardcover to send to my sister as an apology for all of the times my dog peed in her house while I was on vacation. (Notice how any mention of Jenny results in long, convoluted stories?)

  8. Just bought it on audible, looking forward to listening to it. My kids will not be in the car however!

  9. I was worried that I left that book on my kitchen island. I feel a lot better about that now. Thanks.

  10. i laughed and laughed, but then, i was reading it alone, on paper.

  11. haha I have so had that happen before. (listening to audio book when kids should probably not hear). That’s hilarious. So I should not maybe get the audio version? I’ll go for the book. That’s probably safer.

  12. Your Mother says:

    And to think that you saved this secret from your grandmother only to blab it to the whole blogging world. Oh I am ruined! And yet so proud of you!

  13. Cursing is totally a hereditary gene passed on lovingly through the generations. My grandparents taught me to swear in French. I can teach you some this weekend! :)

    • Sweet! I only know how to say what and fuck in French.

      I can also say some things about the ocean and love but not appropriately or in context (thanks Faure and Debussy).

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