If you were a fox wouldn’t you want to be as far away from an elementary school bus stop as possible? Please understand that I am talking about the actual animal, not an attractive person from the ’80s, although in either case the sentence still works.
“… So I am sitting there, in a pew, and weeping for reasons I cannot explain. I don’t feel sad at all. Can something make you cry just by being too cute? Are these pride induced tears? Is the guy behind me cutting an onion? I am just sitting there pretending that I haven’t finally snapped […]
Two People I Said “Hi” to in Public Because I Thought I Knew Them, but Really They Just Looked Familiar Because They Were Famous 1) Frank McCourt
There is a guy in the row in front of me and two seats over and his headphones are so loud that I can tell he is listening to Shakira. Sure, I question his taste, but the real mystery is how on earth can he be asleep when I can’t relax because his music is […]
When I told somebody that my notary was in Aruba I thought it was probably the most ridiculous sentence that had ever come out of my mouth. It was true (if by my notary you mean my friend who I just found out was a notary, but he lives really close to me and he […]
I yell out from the shower “Hey! What color would you say my nipples are?” He comes to the bathroom door. “Why do you ask?” “Because somebody asked me last night.” “Why?” “I don’t know.” “Well, who asked you.” “Some of the ladies at the party.” “Why did they want to know?” “I don’t know. […]
Every time I see a yellow bell pepper I feel a compulsion to take a huge bite out of it, Chairman Kaga style. Just me?
The audition was last night. I have to tell you that I chickened out. I said I wasn’t going to do it. I believe the reason I gave my husband was that I was “too pissy to sing a solo”, but then I went next door and my neighbor was auditioning for a different solo […]
To get the whole story you have to first read “The Halloween Debacle – Part 1.” * * * When I left the parade I was really hoping that Claudia would find her costume on the school bus on the ride home, but when she came off of the bus empty handed I knew we […]
I am not a terribly prepared or organized human being, but I know from experience that if you wait until mid-October to buy children’s Halloween costumes they will be picked over and you will never get what you want. Halloween is the one holiday I have down, when school starts in September we order our […]
I have left the house three times today and each time I got into my vehicle I had the same reaction. So I did what anyone would do. I told twitter. Later I thought, huh. Maybe I should explain that. The story starts last week when my neighbor and I went to Costco. I had […]
My minivan has a poltergeist or possibly an electrical problem but either way I am freaking out. I was at the grocery store (as I tend to be) and when I tried to get out of the car it was locked. That in itself is no big deal. I’ve also tried to get out of […]