March 17, 2008 | Searching

You know when I title a post “Bob Dole was the Doliest Bob” it must be time for the search term of the week!

after i get my adenoids out should i get my tounge pierced
Sure. Right after you explain to me what one has to do with the other.

benadryl for birds
Come on! They live outside.

music videos that have a death clock over peoples heads

pictures of a broken penis
Sorry about that, fellas.

My cat’s paws are stuck in glue
Sucks to be your cat.

Yo Gabba Dildo
You are thinking of Muno. (He’s tall and friendly.)

John Cusak’s dating
Nobody tell Bossy. She’ll be crushed.

Lolita farting

auspicious
Just any auspicious thing?

scarlet johannason niples
Good spelling, Spellerson.

These last three were right in a row.

Stay tuned for next week when someone searches for “Spellerson” and having recently made up this word (well, Gabe uses it all the time, but since he doesn’t have a blog I am taking credit) I will be the ONLY hit. Sweet.

March 9, 2008 | Searching

No, seriously. Someone actually searched Brad Pitt + Hairy Crotch which puts a very specific picture in my mind and it isn’t the pleasant picture you would think would be.

Since I know you all wait breathlessly by your Google Reader to see how the perverts, weirdos and misguided searchers ended up reading about my kids and their bowel issues, here goes:

All that you need to know about mason jars

THE UNEXPLAINED
all of it?

for sore hips funny get well card
Whatever, Yoda. Just get a regular funny get well card.

poops on flower are you sure this is what you want to do?
Wha? I’m not sure of how you would even go about pooping on a flower. You’d have to either be really small, have a very large flower, or have fantastic aim.

Photo of DJ Lance Rock not in costume
I looked, I really did. I couldn’t find anything not in costume. But I did find this:

Here is a question I can actually answer:

How can people take pictures when they are drunk? I say, like this.

March 3, 2008 | Searching

It is time for another episode of: Strange Search Terms that Bring People to My Blog

Such as:

beep beep beep Moonlight Sonata

butt emoticon

body acne pictures

perfect pelvis

“pooped in her” - I don’t even want to know if they meant that or not.

And with questions, like:

Who sang with Milli Vanilli at Six Flags?

pt has pneumonia should he be coughing stuff up?

Who shot Guy Smiley?

And the winner of best search term of the week goes to the freak show that searched for:

zac efron naked showing doodle and tits

February 23, 2008 | Searching

Besides being obsessed with search terms that bring people here, I also have a slight addiction to search engines where I can win stuff.

Here is the new one I found yesterday:

I don’t know why I love this stuff so much, but I do. Maybe it is because I won my iPod on Blingo, or some Amazon gift certificates on Winzy.

Or maybe I just need a life.

Oh, just go sign up. Remember if you win, I win.*

Just like that.

Come on. Just do it. If for no other reason, do it because you feel sorry for me. I’ll be taking the twins to a birthday party at My Gym. Normally I would be excited, but I still have a lot of pain in my ribs.

February 20, 2008 | Searching

Hey, let’s stop talking about how sick I am. Let us instead talk about the whack job searches that have brought people to my little site:

Search Term That Freaked Me the F Out:

my pet snake isn’t eating and sleeping beside me

-

Is anyone else getting hundreds of hits a month by people searching “computers internet blog”?

_

Do you think the person looking for “coke and dayquil mix” had coca-cola in mind or cocaine? Either way it makes me jittery just thinking about it.

_

The Hell?

buttcrack recipe

big girls has a wet poopy diapers with pictures

olsen twins in duct tape and skirt

Dayquil makes you smell

drinking games vegetable thins

do cats hibernate?

___

And really, I get this one a lot, but I honestly cannot find the answer so what are the 7 signs of the apocalypse? Do you guys know?

January 31, 2008 | Randomness, Searching

My favorite search term from this week: soda can in my ass.

Runner Up: I have to poop McCain.

2nd runner up: Phantom pussy

3rd runner up:can tucky fried chicken.

____

My favorite search question of the week: What kind of jeans do hipsters wear?

____

A conversation that made me scratch my head:

(Claudia and Ian had gotten in trouble for fighting and Claudia was trying to make up with her brother)

Claudia: Here Ian, I brought you a very special whisk.

Ian: Is it a magic whisk?

Claudia: Yes it is.

_______

And Another:

Claudia: What are the movies from Netflix?

Me: We got Knuffle Bunny and The Tudors.

Ian : I want to watch The Tooters!

_______

Search Term that Made me Ill at Ease:

Willie Nelson Vagina Tattoo

January 14, 2008 | Proof of My Immaturity, Searching

The search term that lead someone to my blog that made me laugh the hardest this week, hands down, is the following:

South Florida Bulls Cornhole.

I know. I know. If there was one little apostrophe I might never stop laughing.

Yes, I know they meant this with the USF Bulls logo on it, but still.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

December 1, 2007 | Contests, Searching, Traffic Experiments

It must be the weekend. I can tell because on Friday nights my hits for midget hermaphrodite porn and Laurie Berkners boobs go through the roof.

My favorite search term from this weekend so far? So I said, “that is my foot”.

Speaking of hits and search terms and whatnot. I bet you are wondering who won the contest?

Ali won in a landslide. She suggested Homer Simpson Vagina Tattoo. I thought she was insane (until I found the tattoo itself - not suitable for a mixed audience), but her search term generated somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 hits and a lot of conversation around my house.

Congratulations Ali! Send me your info and I’ll send you your very own SATGS keychain bottle opener and maybe even some more random crap from my house depending on my mood.

Thanks to everyone who played along, and seriously, who is Kat von D?

November 29, 2007 | Contests, Searching, Traffic Experiments

I will tally the hits for my ongoing contest on December 1st. (I don’t feel guilty about it since I finally sent out the prize from my last contest).

For those of you that are new to the place, I am having a contest to see who could come up with the term that would generate the most traffic.

So far it is looking like Ali has the thing in the bag. She suggested Homer Simpson vagina tattoo.

You would be surprised how many people are looking for that. Some are even looking for a vagina tattoo of Bart Simpson, but if that exists, I haven’t seen it.

No one suggested this term, but since so many people (I can only assume they are NOT Green Bay fans) are looking for a picture of Brett Favre crying, I give you this:

and this:

Maybe I’ll even have another picture to add after the Dallas game tonight.

Now I feel kind of mean. Sorry Brett.

I will announce the official results early next week. There is still time to enter, but it si going to have to be good to beat Ali. She found the pulse of the internet.

September 26, 2007 | Searching

I don’t have anything good again today, so to entertain you I offer another episode of ”Search Term that Have Brought People Here”. I’ve let my sitemeter upgrade expire, so this may be one of the last ones of these, so I hope you like it. 

Before we get into these today can I just ask you why so many people are searching for pictures of Laura Bush in a bathing suit?

Is Chef Ramsey really an asshole?

I’ve never met the man, but he sure does curse at people a lot.

poltergeist midget

I always just thought she was really short.

Christian Doodlebops

brown cinnamon midget

I don’t know if I should be hungry or offended.

vomit marbles

ouch.

anal expedition 4 blog

myspace white boy do the wine

I find this one particularly confusing.

i feel wet i think i peed

So instead of searching for it, maybe you ought to try the bathroom.

Dee Dee Doodle Drunk

I do believe that is an alliteration.

vomiting pictures Tampa Bay Bucs

Okay, I get why you ended up here. What I don’t get is why you wanted that picture.

Why does Anthony Wiggle wear different shoes?

noodling nude

Ew. You remember what noodling is, right?

Do tatermitts work?

That’s what I want to know. When I was in Tampa at my parent’s house I was watching tv with my Dad and a commercial for tatermitts came on. I asked him if he thought they worked and he just rolled his eyes at me. Oh well, at least I know where I get my parenting skills.

“tater mitts suck”

Well, there we go.

strollers for parrots

Gordon Ramsay hermaphrodite

Wow. I really doubt it. But wow.

onionbooty

anal rampage

And now for you questions:

is Wubbzy a cat or a mouse?

Ian and Claudia insist he is a mouse.

big butt midgets

What is the seventh sign of the Apocalypse?

I don’t know. Frogs? Armageddon? Zima? American Idol?

Reasons New Jersey Sucks

I think I have two tampons in.

I’m sorry.

Immaturity in Fantasy Football

Does it count that I named one of my teams “Fistful of Peter”? Yeah. That has to count.

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Oh, and hello to my new friends from bookclub. If this is the first post they read they are going to be terrified to show up next month. I’m sure they will be fascinated to see what Mrs. Onionbooty Big But Midget Tatermitts has to say about Steinbeck. I swear, I’m often coherent. Not always, but most of the time.